another day, another dollar

I know it’s been a while, but i promised myself

nothing else until I got a job. I think I got one, at

old navy today, so i’ll drop a line. jesse is selling t

shirts, and i’m a cashier again, but it’s a start. I

am not ashamed to say we still party like once or twoce amonth

we’re human, and we don’t go to enough meetings

in my opinion. but we  have made some good friends

and we are happy together, getting ready to move

getting ready to start over. this is a good life,

compared to where we came from. so thanks

for asking….

it’s been a while

sorry it’s been son long, but every time I come

to the library I am on job search, a serious one.

jesse and I have been on the clinic for about three

months now. say what you will about the clinic, but

all i know is that we only do coke once a week,

which is amazing for us. we do do benzo’s, but

we’ve been cutting down on that too. we do

our laundry, we pay ou rent. we are looking for

jobs. I am getting my teeth fixed, and finally gettting

work done on my liver.  we are living a human life.

and so what if we fuck up once in a while, it’s common.

and we are going to meetings. (not enough) but

i am a true beleiver that once the meetings pick up,

we won’t.  so say done is just like dope. say it’s

substituting, I dont’ care. it’s given me my life.

jesse even gave me a ring. it’s official. and I

couldn’t be happier. I won’t be writing regular agaiin

til i get a job. that comes first, but i had to fill you in.

reconstruction

the list of “to do’s” is never ending. pay off the insurance companies from the fender-benders we’ve been in, get ready for court, keep diligent on this horrendous job search (there is really nothing out there) stay vigilant about our meetings and be good to each other. try to stay away from the shit, try to be strong, responsible, and unafraid. ugh. it’s tiring.

you can run, but you can’t hide

the last time i got arrested, i caught a pretty decent break. it was back in june, and the judge said if i could complete a six month program, i would still have a clean record. i was reprobated for nine more months. at the time i was dead set on getting clean…so the stipulation didn’t bother me. jesse and i were going to go to separate programs and start our life together once we were done.

you don’t need to be psychic to know how that went. but that is a story for another day…..

the point of my post today is that the lose ends you don’t tie up do not just disappear. out of sight out of mind but not out of reality. they conglomerate and twist up and the next thing you know, these aren’t loose ends anymore….they are a huge knot that is impossible to untie. you just need to suck it up, cut it all off, and start all over, with nothing…again.

i have been avoiding a “whereabouts unknown warrant from my p.o. since i was kicked out of my halfway house in july. i have been in and out of detoxes and a couple other programs, always faxing my p.o. to keep her in the loop. but i knew it was too little too late. i was stipulated to program A for six months, and programs B-D meant nothing, i was in violation….not to mention in denial. so i adopted the gingerbread man attitude. “catch me if you can.” and so the summer went on.

we were living in and out of hotels, staying with a friend in upstate new york on and off, taking my family hostage and crashing at home when i could sneak in…avoiding life in general. jesse’s car was much more than “illegal” by this point. unregistered, uninsured, he had his license suspended since march; maybe….i knew it was only a matter of time until something bad happened.

then we started getting into accidents. every time we ate benzos, jesse would rear end someone. it has happened four times now, i think. the time between accidents became less and less, and the damage from them became more severe. this last one a couple weeks ago…totaled the kid’s car and put my head through the windshield. i scribbled our info down on a napkin, and we sped off before the kid’s mom or the cops could show up.

life has taken on a surreal double standard…because on the other side of the coin….we have cut our habit down to a quarter of what it was…we have managed to get a room for rent, and we are both waiting to hear back about jobs we interviewed very well for. we have been going to meetings, and we were getting ready to start paying off the money to put the car in my name.

but you can’t start a new life until you pay your debts from the old one.

we got stopped today, not even high or on our way to cop, we were going christmas shopping. the cop was concerned about the broken windshield. he ran the plate and we were toast. jesse didn’t get taken in because he is part of a very influential family in this town, and he and the cop are on a first name basis. there were no drugs in the car, so it got towed to his house, but there was no getting around my warrant. those loose ends will get you every time.

thankfully it wasn’t a default warrant, and i am home now. i have court in a few days, and i don’t know what will happen then. i just hope my good deeds over the past few months will give me some good karma, because we are finally getting a grip on life. and i don’t want to lose it.

i am even writing on my own computer, on an internet connection we pay for, and i’m getting ready to sleep next to my fiancé, in our bed. tomorrow i will cook breakfast, and we will go to a noontime meeting. that’s enough for me right now.

i just hope all the shit i stuffed under the bed won’t come out to haunt me now. but i reap what i sow, and the time has come, good or bad.

it’s a start

i’m not saying i’m in the best position…i’m really not.  but i’m off the street, and honestly looking for a job, sleeping in my own bed, trying to get to meetings, and trying to put the needle down.  my computer is going ballistic so i can’t give a proper update, but i’ll see what i can do soon. hope you all are well.

quick and dirty

i have about 8 minutes left on the library computer i’m using to just let you know that i am still kicking, and starving for some good writing time. but on the upside, we are looking at rooms and apartments, and it’s actually going to happen this time….jobs and a roof over our heads. it’s the little things that make life, isn’t it? we went to a noontime meeting today, and i feel good about the slow progress we are making toward a  healthy happy life together. (the past month or so has been very hard, i had another unexpected, rather grusome death in my family…that set me back a bit,) but i am still fighting the good fight, and i hope once we have a stable environment i will publish more.  (oh god, the stories i have to tell, the drama never stops, sober or not….i’m sure you all know that) but i am so happy to see that my writing is making sense to more ppl than just myself, because more often than not i feel completely insane, and who listens to the ramblings of a madwoman. well….you do. and that’s awesome. thank you.

hopefully i’ll be back sooner than later. stay safe, and i’ll try to do the same.

don’t take it personal

ha i’m not gonna lie….i got a really nasty message from some reader or another about how jesse and i will never get sober, how i will just go from man  to man who has something to offer until i od or am not pretty enough to run the scam….but it doesn’t bother me like it may have before.  ( it is an awefully mean comment, and i deleted it, i don’t need to post abusive comments on my page)  i’m kinda thinkin it’s funny, because even though i am still struggling….going to meetings, but slipping and getting high…putting days together, but not weeks….i am trying to keep a head about me, in some form….and remember some important lessons i’ve learned along the way.  i don’t know if anyone out there has read “the four agreements, but i highly reccomend it if you are a spiritually thirsty struggling addict like myself.  i found that spiritual seeking filled the hole in my soul when i was sober, but now that i’m using again, getting high tries to push it’s way into number one. talk about struggle. but anyway…..the four agreements….one of them is “don’t take anything personal” meaning, whatever that man had to say to me, calling me a slut and a whore, telling me i’d never get sober because i don’t really want it, and i just go from person to person, working what i can out of them til the well runs dry…that really had nothing to do with me, that’s all him.  which makes perfect sense if you think about it. i mean, i put my story out here, but the dude’s never met me. whatever he says or feels comes from his life, his expereince, his reality. not mine. so he can put whatever he needs to on me, i won’ take it to heart.

i am feeling very close to Her right now, and that always gives me the power to brush off cruel words from men.  there have been alot of cruel words from men and women alike in my life.  but when i take a step back and see the whole picture….it’s not me they hate at all. so why should i hate me? ha.

i am super grateful for readers i do have, that are not sick of my shit. that see me as i am, battered, broken, and fighting with every breath to make a good life for myself.  i only write every once in a while, in between that is my real life, full of struggle and pain, and want and need….for stability and sobriety, for God’s love,and the ability to love myself (which are one in the same, the punchline to the oldest joke ever) hate me or love me, it’s okay, i don’t take it personal.

love you, g’nite

hope….hype….and heart

jesse and i are  getting our things together to make the big move to upstate ny with a few very good friends of ours who are not of the junk variety. we have done two seperate detoxes, and although we cannot claim complete apstainance, we can say with whole hearts that we are looking forward to a new beginning together.  who know the kid i started getting high with would be the man i want to spend the rest of my life with.

we are not new to this, we know a change of address is not a cure for addiction.  we are looking forward to getting active in new york na/aa.  i know the run down, and we will raise our hands at our first newcomers meeing (which will be redundant, cus one sylable of our boston accent and we will not need to introduce ourselves as newcomers ha.  but we will get numbers, temporary sponsers, and put it out there that we are new, we are together, and we have chosen to be that small fraction of couples that get sober together. because statistics mean shit…all that matters is us, the effort we put in, and the faith we put in god to run our life better than we did.

i am a firm believer that things, all things happen for a reason…and we have been staying at this house until our move to boston, and i couldn’t see why, because our “friend”that set us up here has been nothing but lying and cheating and being a dick…..but come to find out, the woman he lives with, that has been nice enough to open her house to a pair of unknow drug addicts….is a woman who is carrying her teenage daughter through a rape crisis, which i have been very helpful with, and also a novice on the path of the Wiccan Way, which i am just preparing myself for a dedication ceremony myself.

so if i ever have to wonder what the god of my understanding has for me, i can stand sure there is a plan, and i am part of it, and grateful to be.  as my husband to be sleeps on the couch next to me, and the friend i have just made copies herbs that will protect her daughter from a book, and for the first time in the longest time i feel loved and needed, and not empty inside, it is goodl.

don’t get me wrong, little junky knows she has only begun to fight..but i have been fighting since 2-10-82 for the simple right to live my life, walking with the Goddess, giving and receieving love.  and i will continue to do so……today was just a reminder why it is worth it.

pack it up pack it in….

final confirmation….we are on our way out ha. out to  upstate ny.  our beautiful, wonderful, accomadating friend beth has invited us up there, to either rent the 4th bedroom in their house, or squat there until we have a place of our own. thank god. it is time for us to get out of here.  don’t get me wrong, i am grateful to sandy for letting us stay here….but you can only be comfortable on a twin mattress on the floor for so long.  and i long for something new. i want me and jesse to have a chance to start over.  i’ve been looking into aa meetings out there, and once we can get new york health insurance, i wanted us both to start IOP (intensive outpatient program)  once the drugs are gone, i have to sweep up all the wreckage of my past.  i am hopeful again, and looking forward to this alot.

the town our friend beth lives in is so incredibly beautiful….mountains and trees, little brooks and rolling meadows.  i love massachusetts, and nothing will ever compare to home, but upstate ny is nothing to sneeze at.   it will be a wonderful place to celebrate the harvest, jesse’s birthday, winter holiday’s and my own birthday.  just him and i, far away from all the bullshit….and a season away from our feuding families, away from the drugs…hopefully involved with new friends in the program, and beth and her friends….maybe even in our own place by new years.  a true new beginning.

i am so ready for this.

bleed it out

i am always happy to receive feedback on my blog…and i am sorry i have been letting you all down for so long. but i don’t write stories with happy endings, and if i can’t get clean for me, i’m not going to do it for readers, no matter how much i respect your opinions or love your love for me. i do take it to heart, good and bad, and i’m quite hopeful you’re wrong when you say i’ll be dead soon, waste of life and talent.

i don’t write for fans, to make friends, or to attract readers. i write the truth because i like to write, and the truth is always better than fiction writing to me is catharsis….therapy….it leaves me content and quiet inside, like a good yoga class, or a xanax. ha. writing has been my outlet since i could first form words, and if i had had more faith in myself during my formative years, i could have done alot more than i did.

i do not blame my childhood for my failures entirely….but it was a contributing factor. i don’t mean the childhood abuse, or the relationship abuse, or sexual assaults, or early introduction to drugs….what i look back on and see as the time it all went wrong was the day i was told i had no future.

point blank…..in no uncertain terms…i was going nowhere. i don’t think she meant it to do as much damage as it did, she’s not equipped to look that deep into her words or actions. my mom just happens to be the most depressed, hopeless, faithless, sad sad woman i have ever known. now that i’m older, i understand it’s all her baggage, and it has little to do with me most times. but when i was , i still thought she would get better if i was a better daughter, i still thought we would catch up on the bills and live a normal life, i still thought my mom and step dad would take care of me like parents should….someday.

but one day mom sat me down and explained it all to me…almost like the day after her mother died and she told me there was no God, and we were all alone in the universe, me, my brother, and her. i was five.

“kaia, you better cut the shit and start working your ass off at school, because if you don’t get a full ride scholarship, there is no college for you. we can’t help, we still have your brothers to raise, we are behind on all our bills, and it’s just not an option to send you to school.” by this time i was just falling in with my drug buddies, and my grades were not the best. school and the work came very easy to me, i was just never there. i was teetering on the edge. a word either way from her could’ve turned me. and so i said fuck it.

the next couple of years in school were strange….i love learning, but the curriculum was not challenging, and the drugs were tempting, and with the idea that i had no future solid in my head was all the excuse i needed to do as i pleased. acting like i didn’t care made it easier to accept. most of my friends dropped out, and sometimes i wondered why i even bothered, if it was going to do me no good. but i didn’t want to…school was fun for me, creative writing, ceramics, history, all for free for the last time.

as i watched my school friends getting accepted to school after school, knowing i could’ve done it, but i couldn’t afford it, it stung a bit.

“kaia, it is a little late to even try to work for a full ride. you were suspended for SATs and it’s a little late to take the test, although not impossible. there are some scolarships for children of divorce, and some essay contests you can enter, as well as the latin exam. but it’s all alot of work, and you just don’t seem to have the initiative to pull it off in such short notice. grades are good, some are great. you even have extra curricluars….the girl with the second worst attendence record all year. ha.  but, kaia, even with that, a four year school if out of the question without your own monitary commitment, you are uneligable for state or federal student aid, because your stepfather is in arrears on his taxes.  you can’t get any help.”

that was the second time i was told there was no options for me.  i regret not having that experience, four years, dorm life, college friends from all over the country.  but instead i put myself through 31/2 years of community college down the street from my mothers house. it was like “high school part 2″ and it was a breeze academically, but yet again, attendence was lacking. i was not going to school for anything that would make me happy….i was working toward a degree that would pay the bills, so my heart wasn’t in it.  i was desperate to be able to keep up on my bills….since my parents had always been in debt, losing electricity and heat, getting evicted.

when i was in school, and money got tight, my mom told me sacrificing dreams was par for the course, for poor people with no options. so i got a full time job and school was out.

all my life my mom has been preparing me for disappointment…always trying to let me down easy. but it seems like all that has done has kept me down.  i know she just wanted me to know, we were broke and there was not many options for me in life.  she made me believe i had no chance, no matter what.

now that i look back on it, i don’t even know if it would’ve made a difference or not, but i can say that it would have been nice for my mom to tell me i could be somebody.  it would’ve been really nice for my mom to tell me that life is not a losing game.  i would’ve like to hear that options were open for me, and that it was worth the struggle to follow my dreams.  i could’ve been a writer.

and i can still do that….i can still get published. (if i don’t die of course) and i need to remind myself that my life has unfolded the way it has for a reason, and i need to take a look at myself and see why, what lessons i’ve yet to learn, and what i can do from here. i need to bleed out this fucking poison and that void left behind can be filled with the love of the Goddess, and i can serve a purpose in life, the one She has laid out for me.  mom was wrong, i don’t need tons of money to be someone in life.  it won’t be free, litterally or figuratively, but i want it, and i am willing to pay the price.

the drugs…..the fucking drugs…..the one thing between me and my first step of recovery…..we have been doing better.  any drugs is bad drugs, but considering where we’ve come from, i am pleased with the progress.  we are leaving to go back to new york in a couple days….toting our methadone and a deep desire to kick it for good this time. a little space between us and our dope, some friends who don’t use, the love that we share, (we are rocking and old school betrothal, as in engaged to be engaged) he doesn’t want to make it official until we are clean for a year, and i agree.  we have been going to meetings, but not enough.  we have been getting on our knees everyday and everynight….and i have been putting alot of effort into my spirituality.  finding the path of the Old Way has filled me with a new faith and desire to walk with the Goddess, and i cannot do that without being clean.  i have even gotten jesse to start reading the big book and the blue book with me.  my spiritual faith may be in the Goddess, but my sobriety faith is rooted deeply in the program.  i miss the program like i miss my relationship with my higher power. i need the steps.  i want to do service work.  wicca and aa go hand in hand….principles and policies. hehehe.

so maybe  my mom put a wrench in my works when i was younger, putting it in my head that my options were nil…but i’ve learned on my own that i can now do what will truly make me happy, instead of what would’ve made me money all those years ago.  i have to bleed out the infection i’ve had for so long…doubt, lack of faith, hopelessness, and self-deprication. i am so close to getting it….i can feel it like a not so distant storm…and i will do it.  i have no doubt, i will do it. and i will be happy, and hopefully my mom will be happy for me….but who knows.