valley of shadows

the past two months feel like a dream.  ever since i started using dope, i always made excuses for my habit.  there was always a reason i didn’t have to stop, yet. “i still have a job, so it’s not that bad” i still have a place to crash, so i can still party.” “i’m not strippin, and i still get straight, so i’m okay”  classic drug addict shit.  “i’m not as bad as this kid, so i can hold out a little longer. i’ll kick tomorrow.”  until you hit rock bottom, run out of any options, you can still run.

well, i think i’ve finally gotten to the end of the line. whatever i was holding onto to justify our habit, it’s all gone. my job: gone. casey’s job: gone.  place to crash: gone.  help from family: gone. lack of police record: gone. the only thing i have left is my self. my soul and my body. and both are badly damaged.  the tattered pieces of what was left of my life has gone up in heroin soaked flames.  i caught the posession case, i caught the hep, my roomate got evicted, she’s got three weeks to get out.  i lost my job, casey quit his, and we are working any hustle we can muster to keep straight.  we’ve done it all in the past couple months.  junkies are super creative and resourceful when deemed neccessary.  we did the shoplifting-giftcard hustle, our roommate does the foodstamps hustle.  we do the copper scrap metal hustle, we even sold antique postcards and christmas cards.  whatever you have, there is someone out there who will buy it.  but we are running out of hustle. more importantly, i’m getting tired. this game sucks you dry. 

so i give up.  i give up. i lose. i am completely helpless, powerless.  heroin’s got me in a deathgrip.  i need help.  i’m going to rehab. for real this time. the last time i went to detox, it was for show.  to get the family off my back, to do a quick spin dry, get my habit down.  but now, i want clean time. i hope to salvage some resemblance of the life i once had.  which is funny, cuz life has always sucked for me, just not this much. 

i’ve gotta do something. i’m at the end of my rope.  tie a knot and hang on, or tie a nuse, and hang it up… 

down in a hole

it has been so long since i’ve been able to write.  needless to say, it’s not because i’m lacking for material.  i lost my access to the internet, lost my place to live, lost everything except my habit. 

i don’t really have time to write a decent entry, i don’t know when i will.  but i can give you a taste of the anarchy i’m not passing off for my life.

some where in the past two months i contracted hep c.  now i can call myself a full bonafide junky.  the last puzzle piece has fallen into place.  i think it happened one night, late into the party.  my ex, who i get high with sometimes, had just gotten home from a failed attempt at a geographical cure.  he found the dope in new mexico would kill him, so he came home. we copped, and went to his mom’s house.  he insisted on setting up all the shots, and half way through my last one, i heard this. “oh, kaia, i think that’s my set.” fucking wonderful. he gave me that tired old song and dance, “don’t worry, i’m clean.” i didn’t give it much thought. i had more pressing matters.

my parents have gone from broke to poverty stricken.  the phone is off, all their cells are off, there has been no hot water since christmas, and they can only get heat every couple of days. so the inevitable came, and mom asked us to move out.  the house is in forclosure again, and she’ll be getting an apartment with a roomate, she’s even thinking about finally leaving my stepdad.  so we moved out of the house and started staying at the apartment of a friend.  i’m sure you know where this is going. we’ve been on a raging run ever since we left mom’s house.

i started puking every time i did a coke shot, which is not like me at all. then i started noticeing i had to pee all the time, and it was really yellow, almost orange. i called out of work a couple days cuz i was so tired and worn out.  i figured it was just all the drugs i was doing. i decided to go back to work on a saturday, and i needed a note.  the doctor’s was closed, so i went to the ER. they took one look at me, and admitted me. i was so out of it, i had failed to notice i was jaundiced to the point that the whites of my eyes were yellow. my skin, my nails, all yellow. i was in the hospital for almost a week. hep c and mono.  what the fuck.  they were trying to force detox on me. thank god casey came each day to get me straight.

once i got out, i was put on medical leave for the rest of the month. we kept on the same destructive path, and i thought the trip to the hospital was the worst i was gonna see. that is, until i got popped for poessesion class a, and driving on a suspended license. dont ever ask if it can get any worse, cuz it can.

gotta go, duty calls. just another day in paradise.