alone

i was looking through some of my old journal entries from right before i went to detox in february ( i can’t believe it’s already been so long) and one ceasless theme throughout those enddays was lonliness.

its incredible, i read those words (i’ll put some entries on here when i have the book in hand) and i’m torn…because how i feel now is so far from that place, but i can remember the emotion so vividly.  sterile, isolated, unable to connect with anyone or anything.  like i was watching the world go by from behind a wall.  virtual reality.  i suppose i was funtioning, but i was controling my motions by remote, locked up in my sick head pulling my own puppet strings.  get up, cop, get high, hustle, shuffle through the real world on my way from the crack house to the dope house, dreading those moments i got caught up in some “normal activity” like pumping gas, waiting in line, or god forbid, dealing with family, friends, or anyone not “in the know”. i was so far from life that life itself confused and irritated me. often intimidated me.  paranoid and suspicious, i limited my  time outside, in public, and  daylight hours. my world got smaller and smaller.  soon the outside world didn’t even exist, it was me and my running buddies, dealers, and marks. all i knew was where to cop, who currently had the best hustle, where was a cool place to get off or crash, and who was snitching.  every second filled with getting dope, getting high, or getting sick. every conversation, every action. but at least we had each other.

then that died too. inevidably the backstabbing starts, and the rip offs, and the mistrust. who’s got more, where’d that go, i know you have it. don’t come back unless you score, don’t come back at all. and i started to notice nobody really cared about me, and i really didn’t care about them. all i cared about was me. how would i get straight, who did i have to get to help me, and how much could i get out of them. the more i became the only thing that mattered, the more i was the only one there.  even casey was gone.  we’d lay in bed together, not talking, and it was like i was by myself.  i started to realize that there is no room for anything else in your life when you are a junky. it’s just dope. i had lost all contact with any other person in the world. i didn’t relate to, understand, or care about anyone anymore. it was devestating.

and then i lost myself. i had no idea who i was or what i wanted or why i couldn’t stop. it made no sense. i must be crazy. i just wanted to die. there was no me anymore. the word was spelled out on the pages of my journal again and again….empty….empty….empty.  i had filled my veins with dope until it filled my soul, pushing eveything else out, until it drained away, and with the sickness came the hollowness. i was nothing. alone.

weak and beaten, i gave up.  i knew in my heart i had nothing left in me.  so i put my faith in the idea that maybe someone could help me in a way i can’t help myself. pretty drastic for a girl who didn’t even want to be around a person 3 months ago. it wasn’t easy, and i’ve faultered along the path, but i will do anything to keep from waisting away to that nothing again. and in asking for help from other people, i have become part of the world again. just a small world of ppl in recovery, but my world got smaller in stages, so i suppose it will grow again in stages also. a small world of recovery, it’s not perfect, but at least i know these people care about me, and i can honestly say i care for them. emotion is returning to me in bits and pieces.  all this damage i’ve done, maybe it’s not permanent afterall. all my life i thought i was helpless, when i was just hopeless.

i remember that pure and utter desolate isolation…the only difference now is i know i don’t have to feel it anymore.

no shame

today is my clean date.  30 days. i know it doesn’t seem like a lot, and i get down on myself about it sometimes. like “you’d have had 90 days already if you weren’t so retarded.” but then i try to remind myself; it had to happen this way for me to compleltely give in. for me to understand how desperate my life had become, and truely give sobriety a chance. and, it doesn’t matter how much time i’ve got, cuz all i really have is today.  yesturday, the relapse, that is in the past, it cannnot be erased or changed, and tomorow, sober or not, i cannot say. all i can say is that i won’t get high today, and i will get my 30 days. and i will start all over tomorow, just doing the best i can.  so i guess there really is no shame in coming back. i should be grateful that i even made it back.  i found out today my uncle will die of hep c complications some time soon, and my poor grandmother is in detox, again.  so i need to look around me and be thankful that i am even here, right now, living a second chance.

stream of thoughts

 

stay tuned for a new and improved version of existance.  they say it all comes togehter in the end, but it all comes out in the wash i wash my hands of the whole ordeal i deal with the issue i’ve been issued i don’t want to go but i cant stay this way any longer the more i suffer the more i see that sinning isn’t a part of me i dance and i dance and i laugh while falling apart at the seams but it all seems so surreal and i just want to eat in peace but i’m going to pieces and i dont understand the underlying theme and things just dont make sense anymore i need change in these days and change for a dollar so i can get on the bus and go home your either on the bus or you’re not and life will not make this stop unless you know where your going and i just wanna go home but i’m hopeless and homeless and standing empty handed, with nothing to offer and i wonder when the sun will come out its so damn dark but i can see to the sea and she tells me it will be okay someday in the long run this run will seem so short and i wont feel that weight on my  chest anymore and the marks on my arms will be faded and gone and the ache in my heart will be replaced with a song and i wont have to cry everytime i think of you and i wont have to die just to make it to another day i dont have to put holes in my arms to get by and i don’t have to measure cc’s just to know i’m alive and i don’t have to pretend to be real anymore because i’ve gone into the light behind me i shut the door and its  a long walk but i’m ready and for once i’m not alone and i can hold your hand when i’m scared or i can pick up the phone, and it’s not “20 minutes” and it’s not “2 for 10″ for once its just us and i can be again i showed up today and thats all i can do hold onto my life to myself and to you

lua-bright eyes

I know that it is freezing but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis; they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor’s west side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening; by the morning they’ll be gone.

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

And I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight

surrender

angel…

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

you need some distraction

oh, a beautiful release

as the memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

oh, waitless and maybe…

we’ll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angel

fly away from here

from this dark, cold hotel room

and the endless that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent revalry

your in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight life

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

its easier to believe

in this sweet madness

oh, this glorious sadness

that brings me to my knees

in the arms of the angel

fly away from here

from this dark, cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent revalry

your in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here….

to me, this song is about hitting bottom.  you finally discover that numbness is not equivalent to peace.  that emptiness you longed for becomes the one thing you fear most. and in that abyss, if your lucky, you see a glimmer of hope, and you can escape if you just give up, surrender, and realize you just can’t do it this way anymore.  may you find some comfort here……

just one more…

relapse.  do i need to elaborate? i don’t think so.  if you are an addict, the word is in your vocabulary.  i’d never had any clean time… so i’d never had a relapse. until this time.

and it hurts in a way i can’t articulate.  not only did i let down my family and my friends and the house i was living at, i let myself down in a way i didn’t think possible.  how could i fuck this up, when getting clean was what i wanted? how do you betray yourself that way???

the answer is because i’m not in control of my addiction, it’s a sickness in my brain that i need to treat on a constant basis, or i will repeat the same patterns time and again.

for example, two weeks ago today….

i’m sitting in the house, watching tv. i’m still not working yet, but i’ve got a job in the city starting monday. so i’m in a pretty good mood.  things were finally starting to fall into place for me. 

i decided to call a friend back home and let him know how good i was feeling, and how much i missed him.  (i know, you see the signs just as well as i do, but hindsight is what….)

“i am so proud of you kaia.” seth said. “i miss you.”

seth and i have been friends since the dawn of time. we were always good to each other, but never good for each other.  we are those kids…the ones who never go home, the ones who can never get enough, the ones everyone else is surprized to still see alive.  but i can’t help it, i love the kid, and he’s stuck by me when everyone else wrote me off.  we have never dated, and he’s always harbored a little crush for me.  i hadn’t spoken to him since i went to detox in february.

“i know, it’s crazy how good i feel. especially since i broke up with casey. that relationship was toxic.”

“i’ve been trying to tell you. so we should have lunch. can i meet you in the city?” he sounded so happy for me, and all of the sudden i wanted to see him so bad.  all these emotions surfaced i didn’t even know i was harboring.  i wanted to see a familiar face so bad.  i wanted to feel at home, comfortable, safe. i wanted to be with someone who really knew me, and loved me. all these kids at the house were awesome, and they treated me good. but all of the sudden i got a sinking feeling they didn’t even know me.  like i was hiding my true self, and only people like seth really knew me. i felt alone.

“sure i’ll meet you tomorow.”

the next day came….and i wasn’t even entertaining the notion of drinking. i was just so excited to be seeing seth. he told me he was trying to cut back on his drinking, which i see as alcoholic, but he disagrees.  so i was super proud of him for that, and i was glad that the pressure to drink would be off.  i had my friend eric walk me to the T to meet seth.

the sun was out and it was a beautiful day. i felt good.

“are you sure this is a good idea, kid?” eric asked, giving me a concerned look.

“don’t be so negative, i just wanna visit.”

and with that i was off.  seth stood on the other side of a busy street. my heart jumped when i saw him. it was like that life i’d left at home was standing right in front of me. waiting.  as i waited for the cars to stop @ the red light, a strange feeling came over me.  here i was, on the left, with eric, my friend in recovery, getting ready to cross this massive street with all these cars whizzing by, to get to seth, my friend still activly using, and the embodiment of all the things i was trying to change.  what am i doing?

but i pushed the feeling aside, and crossed the street. no need to be mellodramatic. it was just lunch.  seth put his arms out and i fell into them. it felt so good just to be held in that familiar way.  we got into the car, and i was excited for the day.

“so how have you been?” i asked. i looked over at him and he was swigging jager right out of the bottle. “good” he answered, not missing a beat.

“what the hell are you doing?” i asked.

“what, you want some?”

“uh, seth, i’m in the program.”

“what kindof halfway house is that, you can’t even drink?”

this is a response i get more often than you’d think.  people not in recovery can’t fathom the concept that drinking is addcitive behavior.  even if heroin is my drug of choice,  addicts are equal opportunity, and i cannot drink safely.

i turned down the jager and i tried to explain that to him, but i could tell it was a lost cause.

“okay, so i guess cocktails are out of the question.”

now, this is where i know i started to backslide. “well, you can have one if you want, i’ll just get a diet coke.”

~sure kaia, sit at the bar and drink diet coke. smart girl~

so we were sitting at the bar, and seth orders a summer ale, and i order a diet coke.  the waitress looked at me funny, and then nodded like she understood.  “oh, i’ll serve you on a temporary ID, just don’t let my boss see.”  (she didn’t understand at all)

now this pivotal moment i replay over and over in my head. now, i know i shouldn’t drink, and i know the consequences that follow if i choose to do so.  but the crazy thing is, none of that seemed to matter at that moment. 

maybe i’ll just have one, what could that hurt? i haven’t drank in so long, one will probably give me a good buzz. and nobody has to know. and i’m doing so good i deserve it.  just one…whatever.

“okay, i’ll have what he’s having.”

and that was it.  no earthshattering occurance, just a yes instead of a no, and my whole life changed right there.

i finished the one in record time, and without giving it a second thought, i ordered another. that one was done even faster.

“jesus, kaia, you are drinking me under the table.  you haven’t lost your touch.”

that comment hurt me somewhere inside, and i didn’t really know why at the time.  i guess it was him noticing that the addict in me was still alive and kickin. i felt like a fraud.  who was i kidding?  sure, recovery. that’s for people who deserve to get better.

once these thoughts started crossing my mind, another drink sounded really good.

“okay, kid, let’s hit the liquor store.” seth put his arm around me and we headed for the car.  we were in revere buying booze and i noticed how incredibly drunk i was already. and to be honest, this part was the only good part. i felt free and alive and funny again.  it was like being drunk in high school. for a fleeting moment it was all so simple.  get drunk and have fun. nothing more, nothing less.

we went down to the commons and sat by the river, where the duckboats go by.  at first i felt weird about drinking in public. “relax, it’s my favorite passtime.  nothing says good afternoon like an open container in a public park.” seth smiled. sure, seth’s trying to control his drinking….

so i took his advice and i relaxed.  sooner than i like to admit, all 12 of those beers were gone.  and i was that drunk girl.  you usually see her at parties, but if you’re real lucky she’ll be out midday, yelling at anyone who passes by “nice ass.” or “what are you looking at.” or the classic “you know where i can score some coke.” already it was on my mind.

everytime a duckboat would pass i would scream like it was mardi gras. i even tried to start a fight with a homeless guy cuz he wouldn’t let me play his accordian.  looking back at it now, i see it as an experience i had to have to recover. because i was still holding back on really admitting i was powerless over alcohol and drugs.  somewhere in my head i still thought ‘i can drink, i just can’t get high’ or ‘just cuz i drink doesn’t mean i have to cop drugs too’ or ‘i can have just one beer.’ keep reading.

“this sux, seth, let’s go home.”

“whatever do you mean, chicita, we are having the time of our life, picking on all these innocent tourists. we do need more beer, though.”

“we need something better,  and i can make a phone call.”

and that’s another thing i needed to live through to accept as fact.  if i drink, it leads me to drugs. period. there is no way around it. when i drink i want to get high, and any reservations i had, any want to get clean was gone. i was right back to being a hardcore drugaddict is seconds flat. it was like i never even tried to get clean, or put any sobertime together.

we were in the car, i was on the phone, and we were parked in front of that same house in that same ghetto in less than an hour.

“what do you mean he’s got no powder.” i slammed my hands on the dash. same old impatient angry kaia. i want what i want when i want it don’t fuck with me.

“all he’s got is rock” seth said.

“well fucking get it.” didn’t even matter what substance it was, i just wanted something, anything, to put me where i wanted to be. out of me.

so that was it. i took the past three months of my life, my probation, my spot in boston, and all the parts of a new life i’d been assembling, and i put it in the pipe and smoked it. and i don’t even like smoking rock. ironic…yes.

it hit me halfway through this night, as i sat with kristin and her crew on the couch in her apartment, hitting the pipe and making calls to score dope (cuz you knew we’d be trying for that soon, it’s like dominos) nothing changes in the dope game. i was gone for three months, and i walked right back into my old life like i’d never been gone.  i came into the same bad additudes, bad feeling, bad places full of bad people, and i felt like i had woken up dopesick and it was all just a dream.  so when they say in aa that the streets are waiting for you, they are right. but its been getting worse the whole time you were gone, and the run is never as long. i felt a hopeless feeling deep inside me i thought i’d lost. but it was only buried.

after the coke was gone, we hit up a friends house in the woods.  now this would be the second and last time that night i would feel at ease.  out by the fire, with the wind in my hair and the flames warming my face, i did for a moment feel at peace, somewhere under the blanket of drunk, through the mist of intoxication, that serenity was trying to get out….but i drowned it with a few more beers, and it was time for bed.

now, we already discussed i’m a blackout drinker.  and people have been taking advantage of that fact since it became known when i was very young.  i’ve put myself in position time and again to be hurt by people i thought cared about me.  now this time was no different….

seth and i have been friends forever, and we never took it to that next level, out of mutual respect. or so i thought.  this nite, i realized that sometimes you trust the wrong people….

needless to say i’ll spare you the details, but i came to halfway through seth getting to know me really well. i don’t even know if i played a part in it or not, so how do you process that? i don’t know who to blame, or how to take it. all i know is i cannot drink in safety. bad things happen.

i woke up the next morning, and the first thought that crossed my mind was “why am i not is boston” and as i stood up, my head was flooded with the familiar pain of hangover, and the familiar shame of that last night out.  it hit me like a train, and i had to sit down. 

you really did it this time, kaia.  and the kicker was, i really didn’t see it coming. i just didn’t think i was gonna drink, and if i did, it certainly wouldn’t lead me right back to the end of the line… but it did.

i called eric right away, and told him what had happened. obviously i was out of the house, but he told me they and the staff would do everything they could to find me another sober living environment.  i waited four hours for him and josh to pick me up…and it was an eye opening experience to me.

sitting there with seth, one of my best friends forever, and we barely spoke. i don’t know if it was because of the way things went down the night before, or if i was just coming to terms with the fact that we have nothing in common anymore. the night before, as we got drunker and drunker, i felt more at home with him, we talked about old times and he said i could even stay with him in lynn if i got booted, which i new i had. he said he’d always liked me, and i was being too hard on myself. “you don’t have a drinking problem until the booze is gone, kid.” he said, giving me a kiss. and now i knew that all we had in common was our past, and our addiction.  i had this encompassing feeling that i didn’t belong there anymore. and when his brother came over to watch the game and they all had beers, i said no.  i just wanted to get picked up and put this all behind me. it was a sad moment, but i guess i had to see it with my own eyes, experience it in my life, or i would’ve been holding onto that glamourized version of my past forever.  it doesn’t get more real than this….

so the time finally came and seth drove me to burger king to meet josh and eric.  he was very solomn the entire ride, “how do i know these guys will take care of you,” he asked, hugging me before i got out of the car. ironic question. coming from him. “i’ll be just fine.” i said. and i meant it, too.

as i got out of the car, josh and eric got out of theirs.  at that moment i was hit with a wave of shame that washed over me like hot water.  what are you doing, princess relapse, these guys think you are retarded you are lucky they even took your call. get back in seths car and go on with your miserable life, you can’t fake this recovery shit anymore.

josh put his arms out. “give me a hug, kid, i am so glad you called.”  the look on my face must’ve been worth at least a finger…cuz he just laughed and laughed. he walked over to me and pulled me close to him. “it’s okay, i’ve done it so many times, and i will be here for you no matter what.”

i started to cry. eric came over and gave me a signature bear hug. he picked me up off the ground and swung me around. “don’t cry, kaia, it’s gonna be okay, we are here, and you are coming home with us.”

it occured to me then that the life i had lived up until this point was over. i don’t know when it ended, but when i came back and tried to live it again, it was like i got on the wrong bus…looking around and i recognize the places, but i know i don’t belong here, and i want to get off and go back before i’ve gone to far. my life as an active addict has to end now, it doesn’t feel right anymore. (i don’t think it ever felt right, just familiar, and now it’s not even that.)

i turned around to wave goodbye to seth, and he was peeling out of the parking lot already. i felt a mixture of sadness and relief.  i will always love that kid, but i just can’t go down that path anymore, with him or anyone else.

so, that was about three weeks ago now.  each day comes and i feel clearer and more confident that i don’t need to use to get through the day.  i try not to stress the mistakes of the past, or put too much pressure on the future. i keep it here and now, and as long as i make the next right choice, “one more” won’t be an option to me.

it’s automatic

all i want is that piece i’m missing those peices of people and things i’ve lost along this long and winding road i’ve lost myway and things just don’t feel the same that peace i long for is slipping through my fingers as i slip down this slippery slope as i tumble down the rabit hole as i reach out in the dark and beg for a hand to pull me out and save me from this empty well that never seems to fill although it never stops raining and i wish i knew how to tell you that theres no telling where i’ll be and theres no knowing why i am the way i am these days flipping back and forth like i’m sick once again or never getting better i want to tell you it will all abe okay in the light of the day but the shadows are cast darkest at these times and i long to hold you and to be good and to love instead of be loved but its so hard to be humble when you want so much to be special to some anyone just not alone tonight in this cold bed with these nightmares again and i pray i do i get on my knees and i mean it but i feel like sometimes i betray myself because i just want it all right right now and i don’t want to  wait patience is something i must learn respect is something i must earn even from myself and i just feel so far away from the end of the tunnel and the light is so faint i just want to stop and rest just for a minute just one just this time and it starts all over again and i fall away and i don’t know i dont know i dont know how i got here or what to do now and i know you are all here for me and i know i can call on you but i still feel so alone and afraid i just want that peace those pieces i lost i just want to be put back together like a little girl jigzaw puzzle  i just want to feel it will be okay no matter what comes with the dawn of this day i just want to let go and know i won’t break if i fall i just want to see that those peices i so desperatly need, are pieces i was meant to lose after all and now i feel calm and the wind feels nice on my neck, when i rest it and just live this life this moment this day that’s all i’ve got thats all i need and the rest of it will come to me

(free form automatic writing)

glimpse of bliss

it’s hard to articulate these brief moments of clarity that seize me more and more often. i suppose the best way to illustrate is by example.

it was about ten of seven yesturday morning, and i was on my way to work, once again.  all my life i never thought i was a morning person, but since i got sober, i get up with the sun and love it.  leading me to believe i really don’t know myself at all. twenty five years old, and i’m just learning i don’t hate the sunrise…or the birds chirping for that matter. (coke heads will understand the antipathy for the birds)

so as i walk to the T each morning, i am seized by this feeling of, just plain happiness. a contentment in my life that i haven’t experienced often.  the breeze blowing across my neck, the sounds of the city…life humming around me…and the feeling that today will be a good day, no matter what.  because i am just where i need to be.

as the smile i’m becoming more and more acustomed to wearing creeped arcross my face, i heard the train coming.  ooops, i got lost in my head and was lagging behind.  stopping to smell the lilacs can and will make you late for work.

so i start running. up the ramp, up the stairs, and to the platform where the orange line waits to take me into the city, and as i stand there, waiting for the doors to open, i look around me. the sun is up and shining, it’s warm and breezy, people are going about their business like little worker bees on a mission, and i’m in the middle of it all, trying to catch my breath from running.

and i notice my heart…pounding out of my chest. for a minute i was scared, but then i just smiled and started laughing. (creeping out everyone on the platform, i’m sure)

i felt good. it was the first time in forever i could remember my heart going that hard, and me not fearing for my death. my heart was working, beating, pumping blood through my body. clean blood.  it wasn’t mid-fibrulation due to a screaming coke shot. it wasn’t going cuz i was parked outside a circuit city with the motor running, waiting for my friends to come running out with fistfulls of dvds. it wasn’t going a mile a minute because that last shot was too much and now i’m trying to bring casey back from going out, again.  my heart was beating so fast, and my chest was heaving, and it was because i was alive…

it was the first time in a long time i associated my rapid heartbeat with a good feeling, and not complete panic, or complete lack of control.  i looked around, and realized i was really in this moment, 100% alive and grateful for that. these are the moments i hold onto when i feel weak…i want to keep them fresh in my mind.  i’ve lived through so much bullshit, now i can really start to live.

blessing is disguise

so fast we forget what made us want to get clean in the first place.  things in boston had been going good.  i’m not gonna get into the 12 step program, but if you know anything about it, you know you have to take the suggestions given to you in order to keep up what you are doing. (getting sober.) well, me, the addict that i am, thought i had it covered, i could just live in the halfway house, not work on what brought me there, namely the emotional turmoil in my life, and i was just gonna chill with cool kids, and stay clean.

well, that’s not the way it worked out.

one bad decision can take you out at anytime, and if you aren’t looking out for yourself, you will slip down that rabbit hole again.  i’ll save the actual story for another day, because it’s a long one, and i’d rather share a message of hope today, instead of another war story.

i relapsed.  two days short of 60 days clean.  classic kaia bullshit.  i went back out, with a friend from home, and i lost my seat at the halfway house.  i woke up the next morning, looked around at the familiar sights of home, and my blood turned to ice.  that complete fear and shame of losing my way again.  i didn’t know what to do. i had lost all that i had worked for since february.  i had let down everyone.  especially myself.  all these thoughts raced through my head.  mom is gonna be so dissapointed, where am i going to go, what about probation, what did i do last night, how did i get back here so fast,

i felt so alone at that moment, no words can describe it.  all the hope and excitment i had the day before was replaced with the same old feelings of worthlessness, remorse, and pure, acute pain.  it was like i had never left. my addiction had progressed in me while i was treating it, and when i came back, it was ready for me.

in a moment of complete desperation, i called eric, one of the kids at the halfway house with me.  i was completely honest with him, and begged him to help me, even if i didn’t know how he could.

in an hour, he and another friend, josh, met me in a burger king parking lot, and took me back to boston.  they took me back to the halfway house, even though i didn’t want to go.  the shame i felt was tangible.  like a rock i carried with me.  i didn’t want to see any other kids from there, or any staff.  i felt like a complete failure.  but when i walked in the door,  there was nothing but love for me there.  everyone was so happy to see me safe and see me back so soon.  i can’t live there anymore, but i can complete outpatient.  these people i’ve only known for a month helped me in ways i didn’t know were possible. 

i’m in a sober house now, about 15 minutes from boston.  at first i thought i had lost my chance at recovery.  i thought that i was too fuct up to do this right, that i didn’t deserve it like everyone else did.  after my relapse, i felt like i had missed the bus.  but now i truely believe it all happened because it had to.

i was out here, and i was staying clean.  but the obsession to get high never left me.  i was glorifying it in my head so much, talking and joking about it all the time.  i had huge reservations about using.  telling myself maybe someday i can still drink, or go to biscuits shows and eat ecstacy.  well, this last time out proved to me for once and for all, i am a straight up junkbox, i have no control over how fuct up i get, and if i keep going, i’ll be miserable every second until i finally die.  i needed this to happen so i could see the truth.

it’s been a week since all this happened, and all i can do now is my best to remember what brought me to this point.  i need to start really taking a look at what makes me tick, because until i fix what’s broken in me, i will never be the person i am supposed to be.  my addiction is just a symptom of my greater disease…and that’s what i need to work on.  the pain and confusion i cling to in my life, how scared and out of control i’ve always been. until i fix that, i will  just keep going out like this.

for the first time in my life, i can say honestly, i am ready to change, and do whatever it takes to make it happen.  i don’t ever want to go back to that place again.