sublime nightmare

i awake from this dream, its now all as it seemed, long ago but just minutes to  me. this blood on my arm and this taste in my mouth. no longer just memories.  knawing at me this obsession set free and i went running right after it.  this feeling i get when there is nothing left, in this bag or this heart. it’s all empty. no the world didn’t end, reality bends but i don’t break it. for now i’ll dance on to this beautiful song. my life a melody nobody hears. just noise and screams and this feverish dreams that pushed me over the limit. my own infected mind has made my eyes blind to the truth, but just for this minute. and yes it feels good, as any drug should and i need it so i’m gonna take it. i can’t take anything else….this guilt or this house.  the look on my mothers face, she can feel it.  that thing in the air when the truth isn’t there. her eyes give her away, and i see it.  theres not need to explain, the words never change. and besides she would never believe it.  tomorrow we’ll wake and for her own sake, we’ll forget all this ever happened.

and i can’t put into words the feelings, unsure of what it all means in the long run.  i know its not right, but i’m too tired to fight.  life’s not so pretty when its in direct light. i’m weak i can’t deal, i don’t want to feel, to realise or understand it. i want to blot out the past, make this emptiness last, and pretend i may still have a future.  people to hold, storylines to unfold, and maybe something left behind to remember.  no apocalpse came when the spike hit my vein, i just closed my eyes and let go.  but i’m still holding on to those things dead and gone. i thought i had it, but now i just don’t know.  i can’t trust myself and there is no one else so i go back to sleep for a while. this nightmare i’ve had, it isn’t so bad. if its not one its always another. i can’t escape from the life i’ve begun, same tragedies, different faces.  same violence, same pain, same solitude, same shame….all that has changed is the places.  i long for peace, sublime release from the demons that are feeding on me.  but the truth that i see, is the demon is me. and i’ll never escape all this chaos.  it comes from within, and its so easy to give in.  i’m most at home when i am lost.

collection

 these are some stream of conciousness writings i’ve been doing on my myspace….enjoy.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

the final countdown  the clock ticks the seconds away and a wait as impatiantly as if nothing has changed. i can’t breath enough and my hearts skipping beats my brain races with thoughs as i’m running the streets in my mind in my soul in that dark empty spot, where i crave that which kills and i want what i want.  and i build it up so much i can never attain that quite bliss i’ve made up inside of my brain. and i feel it in my blood and it courses through my viens and i stand all alone and i wait for the train to come and take me away to a place i still know.  a place i belong even if i dont think so.  it fits me so well and its so tight i can breath but isnt that what i want these chemical that relieve and cause all my pain since the day it began.  i dont try to explain so don’t try to understand. the final seconds tick by until its back in my hands that itch to pick up and start this again

Thursday, October 18, 2007

we dance i smile as the light go down and the voices swirl around  in a sea of sound so deep noone knows where it started. as my eyes dialte i see now its too late to take it back this is it what i wanted all along this  will be a good one. my soul shakes and my heart breaks we look up and its time to begin the room is alive this is why we’re waiting. as the noise pours down and it all makes such sense just how is should be grimey and inverted. we all share one dream and we lucidly stream on the wings of this mass hallucination. he holds me so close and i feel so at home with the bass keeping the beat my heart follows. and i hear all my favorite songs from a lifetime so long and hard that this is my only solace. this boy and these drugs and we dance our blood pumps and for once i don’t feel so retarded. it all fades away as i breath it all in this chaos this peace exhaling pieces of me. and we dance all around we swim through this crowd so many people around but to me its just us, just like always. and i smile up at him and he holds me again and we dance on this way until morning. until the end of all time i’m am caught in this game and i’ll play until there’s no music. 11:35 AM - 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit - Remove

i know

 i know its best to walk away i know what i had to do i know there were better words to say what we both knew was true i know i could have been a big girl and you could have taken it like a man but we are just not those people its hard to understandi know you only wanted what you thought that you deserved i know you thought you loved me i know youve been unnerved i know you need control i know i hurt your pride i just don’t think you understand what you do to me insidei know i don’t come from money i know i’m immature i know i don’t have fashion sense i know i act obsurd i know my family is fuct up i know my friends are crude i know you do not understand me or my alleged attitude i know you don’t like what i do i know we don’t feel the same i know you think i’m embarrassing i know you think i’m insanei just dont know why you want me if this is the way you feel i dont know why you put me down and then tell me all this is real i just dont know what you expect from me except maybe to be born again become this cute little project you can show off to all your friendsi know you thought you loved me but i think you only loved the idea of what you wanted me to be and that’s not love my deari know i really fuct you over i know it wasn’t right but i know i had to end it i give up this fight i hope you know i did whats best even if i did it the wrong way but i know, i hope, you’ll you know what i mean, i know you’ll know…someday. Friday, October 05, 2007

running just when the sun is setting on me, and i see it’s too dark to get home, just when the cold heavy air closes in, and i see that the end has begun, just as i sit myself down in the field to wait out the night for the sun.  i see a small flicker along down the path i jump to my feet and i run.  my tiny heart pounds pumping blood to my soul its been withered and tired as of late.  sweat pours down my back and my breath catches fast as my chest heaves as i follow my fate.  floating on down this road nestled deep in this wood the trees blurr beyond my line of sight.  the wind cools my face how do i know this place ive been here before, summer nights.  i am getting so tired i cant run this race i don’t know which way that light went.  i have lost my way what else can i say in my cold hands i hold my face waiting for tears that have been stored up for years but nothing comes just the silence.  the heat of the night and the cold of the light from a moon thats so unforgiving.  no stars in the sky as i give up and lie in the tall grass and finally give in.  i’ll just wait here wait out the pain and the fear and someday i’ll find it again,  a way out of this place some familiar face and a feeling of peace in my small heart.  a simple understanding of fate and of god what i have and what i have not.  it will come to me or i to it i’m not sure which way it will unfold.  but i dont have to run the nights already begun and im to young to be feeling so old.

Monday, October 01, 2007

so familiar  i come from a place unknown to most where the stars shine so bright in the stinging cold of the night.  where the moons always full and the days are empty where everyone knows everyone but noone really sees who you are where the fires burn late into the night but the sun never comes up to fight of the fright.  when its so cold and you sweat and you cry and its wet but there are no tears to dry where the phone rings off the hook but noones home to pick you up cuz we’re all too busy with our own mindless existance to stop and think for a second there is something beyond this and i thought i could run fast enough and far enough and start over in a place where noones even known me and noone needs to see the wrap sheet i’ve got wrapped up inside me but the longer i wait and the slower i breath the more i see its just as it always was the name have been changed but we are still not so innocent and the address is wrong but the song remains the same the substance is gone but life is still meaningless and there is no escape and there is no moral to this story the point is its pointless and the more you struggle the more tangled you get and the farther you run the closer you are to home and no matter what you do to make it go away it will always live inside you way past your dying day because i come from a place unknown to most where the nights never end and the day will never come you can’t shed this skin its too deep to scratch off this is the place you come home to when you’re  lost

Saturday, September 15, 2007

love letter….. as i swim through this lucid dream they call life i see faces i love and places i know and i wonder how long until this show starts and i miss that bed and that feeling in my head and the look on your face when i do something crazy you don’t find friends like this in the want ads and you dont live these moments ever again i look to the future through a veil of the past and i wonder to myself how long this feeling can last and i ache for the sea and the wind in my hair and a long talk with you when we are neither here nor there and it feels so good just to know your still here through all of the distance the time and the fear and someday i’ll see you and our laughter will fill the air one day you’l look up from your book, my love and i’ll be standing right there.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

journey shine on while you move along and come along for the ride although i think we’re lost but we wander on anyway, who says you need to know or act like you do or put on a show lets just admit we are clueless and shameless and aimless and it doesnt really matter cuz were not playing this game or running that race were just rambling on down this windy road watching the restless run themselves ragged and laughing at the little things that make this trip worthwhile why take it all so serious when there are so many doing that already take up the slack with the slackers and just be for a minute who cares what they say or what they think if they even do that anymore most of the time they just spit out memorized answers to questions they dont know recite life why dont you see just cuz you judge me doesnt mean i’ll submit to your ideas i just hold my head up high underwater and wait for the tide to change i’m not scared of getting nowhere cuz i’m here right now dont worry so much its just another day and the sun comes up and then the moon and i’ll walk along, and you can come too.

Monday, September 10, 2007

clock tick tock the clock just goes on and i feel like a time bomb and who knows when i’ll go off next i don’t really see the point to this game and i dont want to play leave me be i just want to do my time get a time out forget all along what i was trying to want and just go back to the easier times when it was all so hard but i never noticed i just want a glass of milk and a veggie dog and a place thats not mine but i call it home and people that dont like me and i love to hate them and no real time but the present and no real regrets because i’m too numb to notice and too far gone to care it sounds crazy but there once was a time when this was what i thought i wanted and now the grass has gotten so green on that other side i just want to jump over this river or swim by your side and i dont want to give in but i have already given up i surrender but not that way i just want to be taken over and made a slave to something i can name but choose not to its easier to follow when your head is down and i don’t need to make sense i don’t even make a sound i just want to fade away with the noise of the day tick tock its only a matter of time.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

all who wander are not lost as i drift through conciousness my thoughts come to life and walk off without me i don’t quite understand how i got down this path but the girl standing here doesn’t know me it feels so surreal i don’t know the deal if i don’t handle this gently i’ll break it my poor little head id be better off dead and you know how it goes and you like it i wish you were here, but my  throats closed up with fear of the unknown and all i know too well the ice in my blood and the ache in my back and the itch on my arm in that one spot i stop to lick my wounds and cut my losses and the moon comes up fuller than ever and in the pale light i see you dont really know me any more than i know the way out so we walk along in silence and i dance around the subject because its all relitive to the size of your heart and the path gets more narrow as you close me off and i go off alone to ponder the dark none of it matter and nobodys there at the end of the line and i just stop and stare and wonder how i got here, and how to get back or at least the way out…but noone knows that

dream state days blur into each other nothing changes nothing is the same anymore i drift along this rift of noise and scream out this slience my head rings with pain and i want it again and i have no where to go i’ve forgetten the way home and this place gets so cold at night all alone i just want you to hold me hold on it get rough through here this ride goes all night as we walk up the flight of steps lead the way as i pray for daylight and the bathwater was warm a few hours ago but i fell asleep and drowned in this mess so hand me a towel and well start again because i don’t know how to get clean in a place like my head we danced for so long my feet bleed i cant go on just carry me to the alley way and leave me alone i don’t mind is so much i’ve just had too much and its never enough to calm the static and the whit noise blairs on somewhere in it i hear a song i know all to well i sing along just tie this off for me and well be okay well make it to the sunrise one more time cuz each night melt into day and it all stays the same no matter how far away you think your getting…. Thursday, June 28, 2007

you its all because of you the way i feel inside i wish i had a graps on these things i cannot hide i want to say i’m sorry i wish i could forgive i walk along in sorrow i bring along this kid i dont know how to get there or who will pay the fee i’m not sure why they want me i don’t know who to be i don’t know what i’m saying i really haven’t got a clue i wish i was at home now i wish i were with you i don’t really understand whats manifesting in my mind i don’t ask questions i dont fight i just lay down and accept he’s right my best thinking fucked me over and i just dont have the right to say a word or do a thing to ruine this fateful night so i’ll just sit and wonder what it will all mean in the end its because of you the way i feel my long forgotten friend

Friday, June 08, 2007

flowing hang me up to dry don’t leave me hanging here i want to know the secret but i can’t decifer your dreams i just want to see you in the sunlight but the moons too bright and i’m too tempted to trust myself and its honesty that gets me everywhere with you and noone understand i underestimated the power of a simple no and the dance goes on day in and day out and above and beyond into the wild i don’t know if i’ll ever come back from this trip i took to much this time it took to long to go full circle and he’s waiting on the other side just like always and i know i’m never really solitary even though i feel so confined i just need to know that this will all be green in the end and in the oracle i see the future of the end of the world and peace isn’t in the cards when the chips are down you look so sad as you don this crown and i kiss you lips and you kiss me back and its not so real as i want it  to be but it feels good and your nice and the way that i see it if he wants me to be happy i will take it and like it when does this ever happen to a girl like me i should’ve been dead before i learned to see and now my eyes are wide open and i’m so grateful to be. just to be to have a chance and to take it and to make it what i can make it today is the day and the sun’s finally out and i kiss him so quick it leaves no shadow of doubt….

Friday, May 25, 2007

stream of thoughts stay tuned for a new and improved version of existance.  they say it all comes togehter in the end, but it all comes out in the wash i wash my hands of the whole ordeal i deal with the issue i’ve been issued i don’t want to go but i cant stay this way any longer the more i suffer the more i see that sinning isn’t a part of me i dance and i dance and i laugh while falling apart at the seams but it all seems so surreal and i just want to eat in peace but i’m going to pieces and i dont understand the underlying theme and things just dont make sense anymore i need change in these days and change for a dollar so i can get on the bus and go home your either on the bus or you’re not and life will not make this stop unless you know where your going and i just wanna go home but i’m hopeless and homeless and standing empty handed, with nothing to offer and i wonder when the sun will come out its so damn dark but i can see to the sea and she tells me it will be okay someday in the long run this run will seem so short and i wont feel that weight on my  chest anymore and the marks on my arms will be faded and gone and the ache in my heart will be replaced with a song and i wont have to cry everytime i think of you and i wont have to die just to make it to another day i dont have to put holes in my arms to get by and i don’t have to measure cc’s just to know i’m alive and i don’t have to pretend to be real anymore because i’ve gone into the light behind me i shut the door and its  a long walk but i’m ready and for once i’m not alone and i can hold your hand when i’m scared or i can pick up the phone, and it’s not “20 minutes” and it’s not “2 for 10″ for once its just us and i can be again i showed up today and thats all i can do hold onto my life to myself and to you

overdue

i got a comment on my blog that said “i don’t even know if you read my comments…..” and that made me think. i owe some people an overdue thank you.

you guys.

the people that read my work and consistantly give me feedback. it means alot to me, and i don’t think i’ve ever once stopped to say so.  i’d like to do that now.

i’ve always considered myself a writer, just not a good one. since as far back as i can remember this has been my medium. i have always gotten good remarks from teachers and friends, and it meant alot to me, but i never thought much of it. writing has always been catharsis for me, not really anything for anyone but me.

as it is with alot of us, once i got really into drugs everything else in my life took a back seat, even writing. the only thing i could keep up with was my journal. i thought i had traded whatever talent i had for a quick fix…pushing verbage and creativity out of my skull to make room for trips, tweaks and nods. i thought i had dulled myself to the point of no longer having a point of view.

finding junkylife has renewed my sense of self as an artist. and the positive response i get for my work here is the sustinence i need to continue to write. not just compliments from teachers, friends or family, but from my contemporaries. other addicts who know first hand the experience i try to relay.  it means alot to me.

so thank you for reading, and thank you for caring about the ever changing currents of my cyclonic conciousness.

the more things change….

“everything will be fine.” i said, rolling my eyes to noone. “i’ll be home before 10.”

i was on the phone with josh @ my lunchbreak yesterday.  i had gotten a call from seth. (yes, that seth) and i was going to hang out with him after work. josh was calm, but i could hear worry in his voice. “okay, you wanna hang out after, then?” he said, pensive. “maybe, call me.” “i don’t have any reason to be jelous, right?” he asked. “no, silly.”  and that was it.  i hung up the phone.  he had no reason to be jealous, i have no romantic feelings for seth.

the rest of the day went by as planned, and around seven seth picked me up @ my house.  we picke up a very good friend of mine from years ago, steph, and went to her apartment in the city. her brother was my best friend from the age of 12, and i grew up with them, and her father, mike, who was there as well. i was really looking forward to hanging out with them, it had been so long.  i get this very lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes…especially since i moved. very alone in the city, in the world. that feeling was surpressed in the company of old friends.

i was sitting there, laughing and talking in a way i had forgotten. so fluid, so easy. that need to censor myself or put on an act was gone. i had nothing to hide from these people, they knew me in all my glory, loved me for all my flaws. “kaia, would you like a glass of wine?” steph handed me a glass, and i accepted it like nothing had changed.

the hours went by and there was no cataclismic event to mark my relapse. the sky did not rain frogs, my glass of wine did not morph into blood. we just sat and drank and i had a very nice time.

around 1000 my phone rang. it was josh.

“where are you?”

“you know where i am.”

“what are you doing.”

“visiting.”

“let me come get you.”

“um, no.” i was confused. “i told you i was gonna hang out here.”

“you said you’d be home by 1000. you said we’d hang out after.”

i looked at the clock. it was 1001.  i felt that uneasiness creep back into me. “josh, i haven’t seen steph or her dad in years. years. it means alot to me to be here right now. can you understand that?”

“i understand alright. thanks alot, kaia. thanks for not thinking of me at all.”

“i am with you every fucking day.” i was so tired of this.  constant conflict.

“whatever, call me later.” and he hung up.

obviously, this set me off. i had needed to vent about josh for a long time, and this was the first time i was without him in months, litterally. steph opened the door for me.

“what is up with that kid?” she asked.

i went off. he is so critical of everything i do. nothing is ever right. i am an embarrassment, i say stupid things, i make a fool of myself in public, i don’t dress right, i don’t eat right i dont present myself right. i don’t work my program right. my friends are bad my family is fuct my hometown is a deathtrap and im dumb if i wanna visit there. and so on and so forth. i’m sure the wine helped, but for the most part is was accurate. that’s how i felt constantly. less than. a work in progress. “kaia, you have such potential, if you’d only work to better yourself.” it was consistant, opressive, and i hated it.

my friends had my back, which was something i hadn’t felt in a long while. support. “fuck that shit, babe.” steph said. “you are how you are and we love you.”

“dont let some dude tell you you need to change to be worth anything. you have always been worth every second every effort. and anyone that tells you different is fuct.” mike was mad. he had always been like a hippy godfather to me, and he didn’t like the idea of anyone trying to control me or make me feel like i was broken in anyway.

“and i know i have things in my life i need to work on.” i said defensivly. “but i can see that and make those decisions, i don’t need a director.” it was true. i know i have flaws, just like everyone else in the world. but i firmly believe that i am also a good person, fun loving and a little eccentric, which is what makes me an original, not just another face in the crowd.

“josh tries so hard to fit in, he can’t handle the fact that i don’t want to mold myself into that.” i sipped my wine and contemplated these things. “i don’t want to be someone else for anyone else anymore, i just want to be kaia, and find what makes me happy.”

this comment ended to a round of applause from my captive audience, and the subject was dropped. we moved onto state politics….but my mind was still working my personal problem. i was done with josh, and i knew it. it was ending it that was going to be a challenge.

i had tried to break up with him a couple months ago, the normal way. ‘this is not working for me, i think we should just be friends.’ josh, in his infinite wisdom, convinced me to give it another chance. telling me we were having problems not because of our inate incompatability, or his need to control me and our relationship, but due to my complete lack of sanity and antipathy for anything healthy. i admit, i was at an impressionalble place, and i doubted myself most of all. i think he knew that. so we tried again.

what followed was two months of misery on both our parts. he continued his attempts at pulling in the reings, and i continued to struggle against his ever-tightening grip on me.  i can understand that he may have only wanted what he thought was best for me.  but he was just so sure that i was incapable of knowing what that was.

now, i won’t lie, i had been wanting to get high for a very long time. i don’t know exactly why, i suppose it was a myriad of reason, all compiled in my wretched little head.

first and formost, i am a drug addict. if things go bad, i wanna get high. if things go well, i want to celebrate. if i’m bored i want to fill up the time, if i have something fun to do, getting high will make it that much better. if i have something unpleasant to do, getting high will make it bearable. this is how the addict thinks.

so things are going bad with josh, and the more he tells me its because of me and my lacking recovery, the more i wanted to just fucking do it, prove him right in his own mind, and get him off my goddamn back.

regardless, the night went on, the wine kept flowing, and i felt better and better about my decision to leave josh, finally. however i could.

11pm rolled around, and seth asked me if i wanted to go to his place for a while. i grabbed my purse and we were out the door, long goodbye and big hugs all around. i left steph’s house with a warm sense of nostalgia you get walking down the driveway after christmas at your grandmother’s house. leaving home again.

“so, what the hell are you going to do about this douchebag?” seth asked, as my phone started ringing again. i shut the phone off and looked at him. “fuck him.” i said. i can be really callous at times, and i had just had enough of josh. put some booze in my and i can be completely heartless. use the following scenario as an example of that.

i know seth has liked me for years. we flirt and its funny, especially when intoxicated. but i don’t like him like that, i never have. i feel bad for leading him on sometimes, but if he doesn’t get it by now, its cuz he doesnt’ want to. he’s got a girlfriend, but he’s notorious for infidelity (yet another reason i’d never date him) the last time we hung out, i got way too drunk, and intercourse ensued. i don’t really know what lead to it, but that’s inconsequential, isn’t it.

we were on the couch at seth’s house, and i had a subconcious brainstorm. i didn’t know what i was doing at the time, but looking back in hindsight, it was a calculated manuver on my part. i kissed him.

we fooled around on the couch for about a half an hour. we didn’t sleep together this time, and i had a strange feeling the entire time, of proforming. acting. i wasn’t into it at all, and i was mechanically going through the motions. i thought to myself “why the hell am i doing this?”

the phone rang again. i picked up this time. i had 11 missed calls in the past 20 minutes.

“hello.” i said, sipping my beer.

“what the fuck are you doing, kaia?” josh’s voice was so shrill i barely recognized him. “how could you make me worry like this. i know you’re drinking, that’s okay, we’ll be okay. you are such a bitch. such a fucking bitch. let me come get you. i’mcomingtogetyouwhereareyou.”

“i don’t know. in the city somewhere. i’m just gonna go home.”

“no you’re not. i’m coming to get you. where the fuck are you.”

“i don’t know.”

“how can you not know.” he was getting more and more pissed. not me, though. i had a eerie peace about me. it was over, none of this mattered. he just didn’t know it yet.

“okay, okay, i’ll meet you @ the train station.” i said, and i hung up the phone. “seth, can you bring me to the train?” i asked.

“you’re really going over there.” he asked, putting his shoes on. i had a feeling as he picked up his keys, he knew he had been used.

“it’s over, i’m telling him.” i said. seth smiled. i guess that was all he really cared about. as long as josh didn’t get me either. boys are weird like that. we got in the car and made the 20 mintue drive to the train station. the phone rang off the hook the whole way. i let it go.

we pulled up to the station around 2am. josh was waiting. i got out of the car and stated to walk to josh’s car, but josh jumped out of the drivers’ side and ran over to seth’s car.

“get the fuck out of the car.” he screamed. seth just looked at him. he locked the door. josh slammed his hand on the window. it was like a scene out of cheaters. i barely had time to reaact.  ”get out, i will fucking take you out.” josh said, and put his fist through seth’s car window. glass and blood went everywhere. seth peeled out of the parking lot and was gone in the night. just like that. just me and josh. i had not thought the plan out this far.

“just take me home.” i said, getting in the car. i tired to play it off like i wasn’t scared out of my mind. like i didn’t think josh was going to flip on me next.

“no way, you are coming to my house. you fucking explain yourself right now. you bitch you bitch. did you fuck him? did you go down on him. tell me. tell me.”

“whoa, just chill out. we need to talk about us, josh, this is nuts. what are we doing?”

“no you tell me you little slut. did you do it? did you cheat on me?”

“yes.”

the car stopped.

what happened next? your guess is as good as mine. it started with a flurry of obscenities. i have never seen josh so mad before. he was pointing at me and screaming, blood from his cut arm getting all over me. calling me a drunk and a slut and  crying and screaming and why and why not. i couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so i gave up. i got out of the car and started walking. it was about 3 miles to my house, and a few seconds after he drove away, it started to rain.

“how poetic.” i said, outloud, and walked.

through all of that madness, all of that voilence and sex and booze, in the end, walking alone, rain falling on my swollen face, washing away my tears, i felt something….relief. it was over. i had done the one things josh wouldn’t “forgive” i had broken his ego. i had attacked his masculinity. i had cheated.

it took me getting drunk to have the balls to end it, and it took me doing something i’m not proud of to do it, but i truely believe it was worth it. i don’t think he would’ve let me go any other way. like i said, at the time, i didn’t know what i was doing, but it is alot clearer now. alot of things are clearer now.

most of all, its clear i need some time on my own, to figure out what i really want, who i really am, and why i keep running the same scenes, only with different characters.

but wait….there’s more

you know if i’m not posting it means something is simmering…or boiling over. this is no exception. in the past couple weeks i have succeded in completely altering my reality yet again. i lost the overbearing controling boyfriend…i also lost almost six months of sobriety. (eh, these things happen) there are a few things i found also… my independence, my ability to move on, and my strength to start over.

so fear not, details and attempts at understanding will follow with the 11 oclock news. i am okay, i am actually feeling better than i have in a very long time. i hope i get the chance to put it all down here soon.

until then…..

moving forward?

so sometime next week will be five months without drinking or getting high. but i don’t even know if it counts anymore.  everyone says how proud they are of me, how far i’ve come, and i laugh a little inside, because i don’t feel it. 

i won’t say things haven’t gotten better on the outside, because they have.  i have experienced this outward improvement before. when i was 21 i quit street drugs, and stuck to booze and benzo’s, and back then i could keep it together that way. i had my own place, a 2002 subaru wrx, a boyfriend i supported, and thought i loved, money clothes and hos, all a brother knows. you know the drill.  but i was still fuct up and miserable.  i ended up leaving the kid, the apartment, and going back to coke and percs. i met casey that same week. the rest is history, as you know.

so i’ve seen what can happen if you get your act straight. so this time, after running myself ragged, i did what i was told, and ended up out here, in the city, full of “program” and, needless to say, with a new guy to tell me who to be. (i’m not retarded, i know what’s up) but they always say “nothing changes if nothing changes.” and i got bored with this whole thing. the spark started to fade…my enthusiasm and resolve to stay clean was dissolving. 

but on the outside, things are still looking all shiney and bright. i found a place out here in the city, to share with a couple girls.  i have a good job i’ll be going permanent with in october.  i’ve been saving money and seeing my family, and trying to be good to josh (although i have been failing miserably)  i go out to dinner, he brings me shopping, we do nice things.

but we argue all the time. he’s in complete denial of his own shortcomings, and at the same time expects me to admit all of mine and take full responsibility for all our problems. which i do, because that’s what i do, what i’ve always done. “sorry, my fault, i’ll do better next time.”  that’s just the truth of the matter. but i do like being with him, and he says he loves me, and i am all alone out here, and i want to make it work, so i go on, and on. the funny thing is, i see him slipping too, but he won’t admit it. he’s cured, don’t you know. but relapse starts in your head way before you tap a vein, and i see it in him just as clearly as i see it in me.

i’ve also reverted to alot of old behaviors that i see as sure signs a relapse is moments away. i’ve been purging again. that’s the first time i’ve admitted it. josh will ask me and i will lie. but i can’t help it, its compulsive. and he doesn’t help. “are you going to work out today?” “your butt is getting big again.” and he says he’s just kidding, but he knows i’m builemic. he wants to joke with me about me being fat, but he wants me not to puke. i just don’t get it. and i know it’s nobody’s fault but mine, but it’s just not easy to hear that shit all the time. i weigh 128 pounds. “you’re not fat kaia, just flabby.” and that’s supposed to make me feel better.

i’ve also been talking to casey, alot. like once a week for an hour or so. now that in itself wouldn’t be bad, but the fact that i feel the need to hide it says something, i think. i miss him. even though i know we were killing each other, and i know i use guys in my life to make me feel complete, and i go from guy to guy without much thought for their feelings or emotions at the time. all i know is i loved him in a way i don’t really understand. it’s a feeling i’ve never had before. i don’t even know if it was real or not. codependent or not, drug induced or not. we lived a nightmare together….i guess thats just something no one else will understand.

and its obvious i’ve been overdoing it on the caffeine for months now, purely for effect. i’m a speedfreak by nature, and i noticed a while ago i was substituting caffeine, in huge quantities. rockstar after rockstar, followed by the expected withdrawl headache. but whatever, not a big deal.

so there has been a cold going around the sober house i live in…and i was taken with the sickness, like the rest of the girls.  i’ve been spending the weekend @ josh’s house, feeling shitty, and i wanted to take something for the cold. josh’s mom has these pseudoephedrine pills, you know, standard allergy stuff. we’re not supposed to have it in the sober house (they are pretty strict about shit like that, no benadryl, no nyquil…) but if i wasn’t at the house, i might as well take something to alleiviate the discomfort. so i took some. two at first, then two more and two after that. like, it was pointless, and purposeless, but i did it anyway, just cuz. if one will help, six will really help. thats fuct up thinking.

as i sit in bed, checking my myspace page, feeling that strange ephedrine feeling surging through my body, a thought occured to me….

when i first started getting into shit, drinking and pills, backing junior high, my best friend and i would walk up to wal-mart and buy boxes of allergy meds and split them. i would take like 20 allergy pills, and we’d walk home, stoned off of whatever kind of buzz that is. i loved it, simple, legal, and you could buy it at the age of 13….

so here i am, twelve years later….come full circle. getting back into drugs (i’m sure of it now) the same way i found it the first time.  and i know it’s not the same as sticking myself with a rig full of dope, but i also know if i’m taking ANY substance purely for effect, it’s only a matter of time before i’m full of fresh tracks.

it’s so strange, because i feel that same feeling i did when i quit drugs back in 2003, i know i can’t get high right now, due to circumstances. (living in the sober house, court in october, etc.) but i know it’s only a matter of time. i’ve resigned myself right back to that old mindset…whatever happens happens.

~later~

i never ended up publishing that post last week, i don’t know why. but things keep right on moving…and my exsistence in no exception. i had court today. i am happy to say the warrent has been lifted, the probation has not been extended, i can move out of the sober house @ the end of the month, like planned, and my CORI (criminal record) will still be clean. not to mention the drug tests will go out the window in november. (which could be a double-edged sword) i feel good because i am getting my freedom and my life back, but i also know i am getting just enough slack to fucking hang myself with.

i suppose only time will tell how i deal with these new developments.

unsteady

the path i walk these days is a precarious one. i am unsure of where it will lead me. i feel as if it is all coming down around my ears and i can’t stop the inertia. forward motion….careening out of control. i don’t know what to think or who to trust or what i mean or how i feel. it’s utter chaos, and i’m not even getting high.

i just want a quiet moment to reflect on all the turmoil. but i cant seem to put two seconds together to breath. not even now.