the utter mess that is my life…..

my dear dear cousin jim, who i have been in and out of love for the past two years……..19 years old……he hung himself……don’t get it twisted….he was living w/ my mother, best friends w / both my br0thters…..i love this kid more than life itself.i tired everything  i could with him….come live w/ me, i’ll do anything for you….but you  know. some kids just don’t feel it. so he hung himself @ a party spot me and my brothers friends would understand…..i have 20 year old kids crying on my chest cuz jimmy thought this would be a stellar suicide…..poor kid….didn’t  know what he didnt know.  i love him so much, but there is only so much i can do as a junky. my life is a mess, and i am hammered right now, hammmered as usual. and i just wanto put it out there, that once apon a time i was a good kid, not a junkbox, and even if that is the way i die……ilove you all so much. i’m sorry mom, ty , kyle, dad, (my cuda dad, the only dad i ever knew) and irene, and all my other :”friends” i love you too, i never meant to  cause you any harm….jimmm……i love you kid….lets see this off to the sunset……. goodnight. nadine t;

a story i don’t tell

i was 19, what did i know about anthing?

CHOICE

i lost you

in a sea of blood

i lost you

i sold you

sold my soul

i lost you

tearing my insides out

sucking out my feeling

i gave it up

gave up on me

before it was real

i gave it away

i lost you

in a plastic bag

i lost you

in a distant haze

it hurt me

to hurt you

to lose you

to choose

i gave it up

numb and scared

i gave up on us

weak and confused

a silent time

a secret of mine

i gave it all away

my pain

my fear

this shame

is all that’s real

i lost you

and on this sunny day

tylenol won’t dull this pain

i made my choice

this fate is sealed

i found my maker

in worcester

and made a deal

my life i chose

and gave yours instead

on the outside

i’m still here

but where it matters

we’re both dead.

june 2001

missing pieces

i wrote this in october, geeked out of my mind on speed. i don’t know why i never published it, but it’s a unique snapshot of my mindset in the midst of the decent.

i’m having a hard time finding words to express the noise in my head right now.  it’s a constant barrage of sarcastic anger, whimpering tears, comical apathy, and the subtle but ever present voice of calm reason.  i’m so deep in conflict with myself i barely have room for anyone else. that’s isolation…that’s self-centeredness. i am the addict cliche. it’s so typical its nauseating.  all the things people said would happen, are happening.  if you know my story at all, you know that when i got sober in april, i was in it heart and soul.  i had “it” and i was going to go to any lengths necessary to keep it, and to share it. and i will tell you to this day, the way i felt was real, and it was a gift i didn’t believe i deserved.  and i was certain, if i followed the plan of action, i would be free of the obsession to use, and stay sober the rest of my life.people told me things like….”relapse starts in your mind, you have to watch your thoughts.”  they told me that a relapse could get rolling like a snowball, from something as simple as resentment.  just holding onto negative feelings, or feeding someone else’s negativity, could but you right back into that mindset.  i thought that was a pretty far fetch.  it’s quite a leap from being pissed at your roommate and sticking a needle in your arm. but that’s exactly what happened. and the most fuct up part is, i saw it coming the whole time. i may not be the smartest chick around, but i’m not stupid either, and i knew what i was doing may very well lead to my udoing….i just didn’t have it in me to stop it.  there is something missing inside me, the part that tells me to take care of myself.  the part that sees a future for me.    as i saw myself spiralling downward, i felt i was losing grip on that feeling….”i can do this, i deserve better.” it was fading, and i didn’t know what to do to revive it. i was so scared, and then i was angry. what the fuck? i was doing all they told me to, why was i feeling like shit again.   but people had laid that out for me to. i was coming off my pink cloud. i was joining the reality already in progress.  i knew this would happen, and i knew i still had a ton of work to do before i found true serentiy, instead of the preview that the pink cloud is.  that incredible peace, connection with god, self-esteem, and willingness to help others, was just a small example of the way my life could be, if i did the necessary work. and i KNEW that. but like a fucking typical addict, i took the self pity route instead. “i fucking lost it, i’ll never get it back, why bother?” and as i started to feel more and more sorry for myself, started to see myself the way i always had.  pathetic, worthless dreamer, getting all caught up in shit that will never come to fruition.  that familiar loathing of me came back, and i felt like such an idiot for ever believing i could have a good life. that kind of shit doesn’t happen to people like me.  so i hated myself again…..which means i hated everyone else again too.  i stopped making an effort to be kind.  i reverted back to being afraid of everyone around me. because if i think i suck this bad, you must think im a complete waste of life.  so defenses went back up, full force. the sarcastic chartcter assasination…..the elitist…..the critic. i had something to say about everyone. i was always on alert, dont fucking piss me off, shits going down.  i stopped making the effort to keep the girls i work with postive.  and i noticed the more i fed into their drama, the worse the drama got. i used to be able to turn a conversation around and we were all always in a good mood. since i jump on the gossip wagon, work has become a sullen place, we don’t have so much fun, and we are always mad at someone else in the office. i really started to see the manifestation of my energy….when i put out positive, the whole world i lived in was bright.  when i started feeding my surroundings my poinsoned thoughts and feelings…..my whole world became dark and brooding.  it really felt like the climate of life had changed.  i don’t know how tripped out that sounds, but its truely what i believe.  and, of course, the worse i felt, the worse i acted, and it just kept going and going. and once i started using, i knew exactly where it would lead. i knew there was nothing ahead of me but misery and conflict.  but where i was supposed to feel “stop, kaia, you have so much to lose, you have so much going for you, you deserve a good life, god wants you to claim it” there was a gaping hole in my soul, a cavity decaying rapidly from all the negative energy i’d been feeding it. my poor spirit was an empty shell, and i was missing the pieces required to care.  i just didn’t have it in me to fight for myself. and now that i’m in it, its just as everyone said it would be.  as drug addicts, we all endure the same tourtures.  to say i am not unique would be a mamouth undersatement.  i am now that junky i was convinced i would never be…..”the relapser” when i was sober i saw these people struggling to get clean, in and out of dox, getting a couple days or weeks.  with that look in their faces, shame mixed with exhaustion. i saw them and thought “thank god that’s not me” and “jesus, why don’t they just chill.” or “i could never do that, keep coming back,” i’ll admit it right now, i pittied them in a condescending way.  not only did  i get sober @ 25, i was going to stay sober, and work this program like no other.  i had already forgotton what it was like to be there, and i was told this would happen too…..i was told this attitude could lead to relapse. but i didn’t care. now all i want is to fill in that missing piece.  because i think i will never get sober until i put that piece where it belongs.  i have to fucking care. why is it so hard for me? i’ve never been more serious about anything in my life….i can’t care about what happens to me.  i can’t put my actions with their consequences…..violating probation, all my bills in collection, making my mom cry, losing friends, getting arrested, getting hep c.  all of these things are debilitating.  my life is in shambles.  and i am sad on a level there are no words for.  but  just can’t bring myself to believe there is any other way.  my life has always been a mess, it will always be a mess.  this is the way it s been for my family all along.  we’ve alwys acepted the idea that there is only so much good life to go around, and we were just not on the list.  it’s the defeatist attitude that has always been my undoing. i HAVE to find that piece, the self worth i dont’ have. if i believed i deserved better, i woul fight tooth and nail to get it. but i just don’t have it in me.

bitter end

i am waiting for clearance from my boss to take a few days off of work. she doesn’t know this is to go to detox. god help me i need to get clean. and i can’t do it without help. i’ve been trying the “at home suboxone detox” for months now, and it doesn’t work. i need help, i need to get away from jesse, and i need to get my life back. i am going to die….and soon, this is my last chance, i’ve pushed it too far.

so i got on my knees today before work, after my morning shot and said this prayer. “god, please just let me live long enough to get into detox and start over. please just let me sruvive long enough, and then i’ll take care of it from there. amen.”

we’ll see how it goes. it’s now or never, and i know it.