sleepless nights

i look over at jesse, sleeping restlessly, and i’m jealous. even restless sleep is better than none at all. i’ve been back @ my mom’s house since april the first, and unless i am jammed out of my gourd, sleep is impossible here. we are living in my old room, the room john had called home for over a year, until he hung himself across the street about a month and some change ago. i find myself hoping that i’m dopesick, and that is why i toss and turn, but i know in my heart i don’t have a habit that will keep me up at night. it’s the fucking house, the black energy that flows from room to room. the sadness that hangs in the air like fog rolling over all of us. it’s palpable.

there is a pack or coyotes that runs wild across the street from the house, and they were howling like maniacs all night last night, and as i lay in my bed i found myself wondering if john heard the coyotes the night he walked out there, if he was scared, or if he was feeling anything at all. my thoughts keep returning to him. i can’t even go downstairs to get a drink by myself at night, i keep thinking i’m going to find him standing there in the kitchen, just like always.

i hate it here.

jesse and i let a friend of ours spend the night here a couple days ago. he had nowhere to go, and we like benny, he’s a fun kid. we had plans to go into the city and cop, it has been quite a few days, and it sounded like a nice release, since i hadn’t been sleeping so much. it was around two in the morning, jesse and i were still up, just talking, and benny came knocking on our door. he was sleeping in my brother aaron’s room, and we were across the hall. i let him in and he was pale, looked dopesick almost.

“what’s up, kid?” jesse asked, rolling over in bed.

“i think i just saw a ghost.” benny said, very matter of fact, like he was reading a grocery list. he went on to explain the “ghost” he saw, a kid about my age with really short hair, just standing in the room, eyeballing him.

i hadn’t told him about john.

when i did, he got even paler. now i’m not going to say my mom’s house is haunted by my dead cousin. that’s just weird. but i will say that i can feel the pain in this house like a living thing, and i feel it all pulling me down. i feel my energy getting sucked from me more and more, and i won’t be able to keep going on too many more sleepless nights.

and if i do sleep, my dreams are filled with chaos and blood. i just took a medication cocktail of sleep aids and muscle relaxers, so hopefully that will bring a dreamless sleep….hopefully.

keep on keepin on

there is sooo much i want to write about, i just don’t have the time right now. i am fully immersed in just being here for my mom and brother (they are way more fuct up over john’s death than i could tell in the city) jesse and i have been eating methadone, and have gotten high once or twice over the past week or so, really trying to do the right thing. hitting that meeting uptown that serves bagels and coffee every morning, just trying to live.

it feels good to be here to hold my mom’s hand while she lets out all these tears and pent up bullshit. she refuses to go to therapy, so i’m all she’s got. i can see the relief on her face after a long session of crying and shit. she feels so guilty over john, and there is nothing i can do to take that away. but i can sit with her, and that seems to be more than enough for her right now. i also got my unemployment claim in, and i have been able to give it to her to help pay the mortgage. i know it’s not alot, but it’s alot more than i’ve done in the past couple months.

and my brother dax. he’s all fuct up over john. he also refuses therapy, and things have just been bad for him over the past month. he’s missed 19 days of school, he’s been going out and not calling, staying out late, just acting out because he can’t process his feelings. so i’ve been getting him up and driving him to school in the morning, hanging out with him after school, playing xbox and shit. i even brought him and one of his friends to see the disco biscuits, didn’t get super faced like usual, and had an amazing time. it was so meaningful to me to be able to share that experience with him. because the music means so much to me, and i could see how much fun he was having. we had planned to go with john, before he died, so it was a bittersweet night. but just being able to go, and remember the show, be able to text my mom and tell her we are having fun and okay, and be honest. it was priceless to me. and i can see a difference in dax already. he’s gone to school every day this week, and he’s just smiling more, talking more. it gives me hope.

and i’ve made contact with kristin, if you read my shit, she used to be my friend/dealer from last year. she is five months clean, doing good in  the program, and getting ready to get her daughter back. there is life after dope. she wants to bring me to her homegroup, and i’m psyched to see her.

so there’s a tidbit of how things are going down on my piece of the puzzle. i’m not saying i’m clean, but i’m doing the best i can, helping my family, and trying my hardest to do the next right thing. that’s all i can do right now….keep on keepin on.

never had a home like this….

i’m sure the general consensus is that i lost my grip on my life in the city because i am so strung out i can’t deal anymore. that has been the case many times, but it’s just not the way it is this time. yes, i did get popped for a random @  work, and yes i got laid off due to refusal of treatment. yes i did lose my apartment, and yes i am homeless and pennieless once more.

but i spoke to my manager at my job and explain to her the jist of my situation, which iwill attempt to put into words for you right now: my cousin whom my family and loved just as if her were one of our own, took his own life almost a moth ago.  directly afterwhich my boyfriend was sectioned for a 30 day “mental evaluation, which is code for “godamnit junky take a fucking break” i took the opporutunity of being alone to hit detox, which was nice and relaxing. five days of nothing but methadone and socializing. good food, no roomates, and cable tv. no too shabby.

***unfortunatly, to my dismay, i have taken way too many klonopin on top of this dope, and the cocaine has not counteracte with the intesity i had anticipated, so i keep nodding off in between words and thoughts. so i’ll have to finish this essay tomorrow. eh, you know how it is. sweet dreams, cyber family.

living in the loop

nothing changes if  nothing changes. i have lost my place, my job, and thank god i’m not strung out. i am back @ my mom’s house, sleeping in the same bed, eating methadone with my man, waiting it out til we can stand on our own again. i’ll update later, maybe after a few beers but i’m not dead yet, in case you were wondering.