running ragged

it’s been a while since i’ve had a chance to write. we’ve been through the mill these past few weeks, and i’ve been tied up in the 24 hour job of survival…. jesse and i spent a couple weeks sleeping in the xtera after a dispute with my  mother.  (you know any time money goes missing it’s the junky that took it, right?)  so false accusations were followed by heated words, which were followed by us toughing it out in the back of the nissan….parked in a stop n shop parking lot. being homeless is never fun, no matter if it lasts two weeks or two months.  we had been doing okay drug-wise, but after that blowout my “fuck it” attitude kicked in and we went on a little run.  after my  mom cooled down, she let us come back to the house. (the fact that the 200 that was missing was attributed to my father, and not us, was most helpful. ha)  we’ve been home since the middle of may, pulling interviews at temp agencies in the city, getting high more often than not.  the sober house thing turned out to be harder than we anticipated.  i really need a job first, cuz there is no way i can borrow the 500 needed to move in from my parents. things at home, not so good. the house is -yet again- in forclosure, and my mom has spent the past week in the hospital with two herniated discs in her back, and 100mg of fentanyl running through her system. (she is friggin waisted right now)  so she’s not working, and my alchoholic step father certainly isn’t bringing home the bacon….so who knows, we may be sleeping in the xtera again sooner than we’d like.

but right now we are just trying to enjoy having a bed to sleep in.  we drive an hour to the city most days to do the job hunt, and to cop on days we choose to get high.  on days we don’t we hang out in the pool and just spend time loving each other.  i don’t care if that sounds cheesy or not, it’s the truth. i am really trying to soak up every second i get to spend with jesse….cuz when we do go back to work, this will be a time we look back on and really enjoy.  getting to sleep in every day and wake up in each others arms,  making out in the pool with the sun beating down on us,  watching our celts bring home the eastern conf. title, and hopefully the championship (come on pauly, i know you can do it!!)

the unemployment has been a godsend, we can give what we can to my mom….which is not that much.  i would give her more if she would put it toward bills or the mortgage, but whenever i give her money, she gets a mani-pedi, or buys tickets to the sox game, so whatever.

so it’s been a rough go of it for a while, but things have quieted down, and i’m just enjoying the lull in the action.  we went out today, partied a little, and now we just got out of the pool, had killer sex, and are getting ready to watch the celts beat LA.  what more could you ask for?

if there is anything i learned this past month, it’s not to take anything for granted, because it can all be taken away.  this bed, this boyfriend, my relationship with my mom, or just the simple action of having breakfast with my little brother and driving him to school.  these are the things that make my life livable, and i could lose any or all of it at anytime. and no drug can fill that space.

it feels good to write again.  hope you all are well.