on the edge of another unknown

so….it’s been a while.  and i’ll be honest, this is the first chance i’ve gotten to write, not high, not *yet* sick, in a very long time.  i am hold up in a hotel room in boston (thanks to jesse’s endless hustles) while he is out making money god knows how.  we have been here for about a week now, fresh out of detox again. (that would be number 7 in the past six months) it’s incredibly hard to stay clean…when you have nothing to stay clean for, nothing to “come home to” after yet another xanax induced argument with my mother (xanax on her part, not mine) we ended up living in the car for the past six weeks or so… you know how it is. (although i hope you don’t) and thankfully it’s been summer, so we’ve been able to sleep in the car, use public restrooms, and get a hotel every couple or days or so, to shower and whatnot. i know it sounds nasty, but you live however you can manage, right?

so coming back from detox…time after time….hoping to do better, but not having the heart. i’ll be honest, i just don’t seem to give a fuck anymore.  jesse is supposed to be getting a check for like 2200 dollars in the next two days or so, and we are supposed to be leaving the city and moving to upstate new york with friends. but i’ll tell you what i think is going to happen with that money. eh, i’ll let you figure it out. negativity abounds when you are surrounded by dirty clothes and used needles, half finished lemonade and a bag full of detox comfort meds. clonidine, flexeral, robaxin, trazadone, doxipin….keeping me from dying in between shots. barely.

but on the bright side, there are soooo many good stories…people i’ve met and things i’ve done, things that have been done to me….and i hope to share them soon. but right now the sickness is taking hold, and i think i’ll bide my time til jesse comes back curled up in the fetal position, on the floor in the shower.

ah….the glamourous life of the junky…..

on borrowed time