don’t take it personal

ha i’m not gonna lie….i got a really nasty message from some reader or another about how jesse and i will never get sober, how i will just go from man  to man who has something to offer until i od or am not pretty enough to run the scam….but it doesn’t bother me like it may have before.  ( it is an awefully mean comment, and i deleted it, i don’t need to post abusive comments on my page)  i’m kinda thinkin it’s funny, because even though i am still struggling….going to meetings, but slipping and getting high…putting days together, but not weeks….i am trying to keep a head about me, in some form….and remember some important lessons i’ve learned along the way.  i don’t know if anyone out there has read “the four agreements, but i highly reccomend it if you are a spiritually thirsty struggling addict like myself.  i found that spiritual seeking filled the hole in my soul when i was sober, but now that i’m using again, getting high tries to push it’s way into number one. talk about struggle. but anyway…..the four agreements….one of them is “don’t take anything personal” meaning, whatever that man had to say to me, calling me a slut and a whore, telling me i’d never get sober because i don’t really want it, and i just go from person to person, working what i can out of them til the well runs dry…that really had nothing to do with me, that’s all him.  which makes perfect sense if you think about it. i mean, i put my story out here, but the dude’s never met me. whatever he says or feels comes from his life, his expereince, his reality. not mine. so he can put whatever he needs to on me, i won’ take it to heart.

i am feeling very close to Her right now, and that always gives me the power to brush off cruel words from men.  there have been alot of cruel words from men and women alike in my life.  but when i take a step back and see the whole picture….it’s not me they hate at all. so why should i hate me? ha.

i am super grateful for readers i do have, that are not sick of my shit. that see me as i am, battered, broken, and fighting with every breath to make a good life for myself.  i only write every once in a while, in between that is my real life, full of struggle and pain, and want and need….for stability and sobriety, for God’s love,and the ability to love myself (which are one in the same, the punchline to the oldest joke ever) hate me or love me, it’s okay, i don’t take it personal.

love you, g’nite