reconstruction

the list of “to do’s” is never ending. pay off the insurance companies from the fender-benders we’ve been in, get ready for court, keep diligent on this horrendous job search (there is really nothing out there) stay vigilant about our meetings and be good to each other. try to stay away from the shit, try to be strong, responsible, and unafraid. ugh. it’s tiring.

you can run, but you can’t hide

the last time i got arrested, i caught a pretty decent break. it was back in june, and the judge said if i could complete a six month program, i would still have a clean record. i was reprobated for nine more months. at the time i was dead set on getting clean…so the stipulation didn’t bother me. jesse and i were going to go to separate programs and start our life together once we were done.

you don’t need to be psychic to know how that went. but that is a story for another day…..

the point of my post today is that the lose ends you don’t tie up do not just disappear. out of sight out of mind but not out of reality. they conglomerate and twist up and the next thing you know, these aren’t loose ends anymore….they are a huge knot that is impossible to untie. you just need to suck it up, cut it all off, and start all over, with nothing…again.

i have been avoiding a “whereabouts unknown warrant from my p.o. since i was kicked out of my halfway house in july. i have been in and out of detoxes and a couple other programs, always faxing my p.o. to keep her in the loop. but i knew it was too little too late. i was stipulated to program A for six months, and programs B-D meant nothing, i was in violation….not to mention in denial. so i adopted the gingerbread man attitude. “catch me if you can.” and so the summer went on.

we were living in and out of hotels, staying with a friend in upstate new york on and off, taking my family hostage and crashing at home when i could sneak in…avoiding life in general. jesse’s car was much more than “illegal” by this point. unregistered, uninsured, he had his license suspended since march; maybe….i knew it was only a matter of time until something bad happened.

then we started getting into accidents. every time we ate benzos, jesse would rear end someone. it has happened four times now, i think. the time between accidents became less and less, and the damage from them became more severe. this last one a couple weeks ago…totaled the kid’s car and put my head through the windshield. i scribbled our info down on a napkin, and we sped off before the kid’s mom or the cops could show up.

life has taken on a surreal double standard…because on the other side of the coin….we have cut our habit down to a quarter of what it was…we have managed to get a room for rent, and we are both waiting to hear back about jobs we interviewed very well for. we have been going to meetings, and we were getting ready to start paying off the money to put the car in my name.

but you can’t start a new life until you pay your debts from the old one.

we got stopped today, not even high or on our way to cop, we were going christmas shopping. the cop was concerned about the broken windshield. he ran the plate and we were toast. jesse didn’t get taken in because he is part of a very influential family in this town, and he and the cop are on a first name basis. there were no drugs in the car, so it got towed to his house, but there was no getting around my warrant. those loose ends will get you every time.

thankfully it wasn’t a default warrant, and i am home now. i have court in a few days, and i don’t know what will happen then. i just hope my good deeds over the past few months will give me some good karma, because we are finally getting a grip on life. and i don’t want to lose it.

i am even writing on my own computer, on an internet connection we pay for, and i’m getting ready to sleep next to my fiancé, in our bed. tomorrow i will cook breakfast, and we will go to a noontime meeting. that’s enough for me right now.

i just hope all the shit i stuffed under the bed won’t come out to haunt me now. but i reap what i sow, and the time has come, good or bad.

it’s a start

i’m not saying i’m in the best position…i’m really not.  but i’m off the street, and honestly looking for a job, sleeping in my own bed, trying to get to meetings, and trying to put the needle down.  my computer is going ballistic so i can’t give a proper update, but i’ll see what i can do soon. hope you all are well.