family matters

today is my uncle’s birthday. it’s not really a happy day, since he’s dead.  he died driving home drunk from the bar one night a few years ago.  it was scary, how similar uncle john’s death mirrored my cousin john jr.’s.  i mean, john jr. hung himself, and my uncle’s death was an “accident”, but there are other things…

they were both hopelessly addicted.  my cousin to  heroin, like me, and my uncle to alcohol.  they were both the life of the party.  we always had so much fun as a family, but they were alot like me.  they made light of their substance abuse problems so they didn’t have to face the gravity of their situation.  it’s always easier to make fun of yourself than it is to admit you have a problem and work toward change.  besides, with a sense of humor like the one that runs in our family, you can make the most horrific life experiences funny.  (my uncle and my cousin had a running joke about my other uncle’s run with testicular cancer.  it scared us all so much, so while he was recuperating, my uncle john called my uncle kevin “cyclops”, in reference to his procedure removing his left nut.)  nobody wanted to face the reality of my uncle kevin being so sick, so they made a joke.  he got better, and we still laugh about it now.

they were both missing for days.  my cousin out in the woods by himself, snow all around him, swinging from that tree.  i see it in my dreams still.  my uncle submurged in a lake on the new hampshire boarder.  all that water, the fish, the mud.  both of them alone in cold dark places.  i hate having those images. i hate it.

i can still remember those days they were missing.  first my cousin john, just not coming home one day.  we all thought maybe he was just on a bender, three day party or whatever.  but when my mom found out he hadn’t even called me, we knew something was up.  the last time i talked to him, i told him to just go home and call me when he got there, but i never heard from him…it was the last phone call he ever made.  then my uncle just falls of the face of the earth.  it was like some sick deja-vu twilight zone shit.  two identical missing persons posters, two identical search parties.  followed by two horrifying phone calls, and two agonizing funerals.  even in death they were so alike it was scary.

they were both tragic figures i loved very much, and identified with for obvious reasons.  my uncle put himself through college, and made a very good life for himself, in spite of marrying at the age of 17 and having my cousin soon after.  my cousin had his son, john III, around the same age, but the mother of his child was not a woman like his mother, my aunt.  john’s girlfriend was a hot mess, where as his mother was, and still is, a stone-wall of strength.  she made it through the suicide of her oldest child and the accidental death of her husband within two years, and still managed to raise her other son, who is an awesome kid.  john’s girlfriend has been nothing but trouble, and i think his problems with her and the baby contributed to his suicide in a big way.

i was pretty close to my cousin and my uncle. i used to babysit john and his brother when i was 13 or so.  i always had so much fun, and as john got older and he moved into my house, i grew more and more attached to him.  now it’s been so long since he’s been gone, i feel like i miss him more and more.  my uncle was always a person i could identify with, and look up to in some ways.  i mean, the man had problems, but he made something of himself regardless.

there were rumors that my uncle also committed suicide.  he was an insurance adjuster, and although he was at the bar drinking that night, his body was not over the legal limit.  my aunt collected some serious coin when he died.  and everyone knew he blamed himself for john’s death.  he had really gone downhill since the suicide.  john and my uncle had not spoken in months.   since john moved in with us, my uncle had told him there was no future for their relationship.  it hurt them both so deeply, and i guess we all see that now, now that it’s too late.

i just wanted to stop and think about them both for a moment.  i love my family very much, but you always feel closer to some than others. and two of my closest teammates gave up and left me here to finish the game on my own.  i hope i don’t let them down.  even though they did what they did, they never, ever let me down.