anonymous

for this empty rockstar life

i gave it all away

every unforgettable night

and every endless day

every party favor lost

every love note left behind

every blessed memory

i erased it from my mind

for just one more capful

i lost all i thought i was

i put myself on the auction block

like every good junky does

every prized posession

i couldn’t live without

i packed my life in a cardboard box

turned my back on it, and walked out

my written words, my heart and soul

just faded memories now

the only thing i cared for, lost

and i just don’t know how

i got so lost along the way

forgetting who i am

putting that bag before my self

and now all alone, here i stand

all those hands that i once held

all those smiles just for me

all those star-filled nights

of liquid light

loved faces that i’ll never see

all those bonfire-smoked out hoodies

all those bracelets of candy beads

all those jello shot-stained school girl skirts

all those secret dirty deeds

for a faceless life on heartless streets

i gave it all away

i can’t call you anymore

besides, what would i say?

i don’t have any news for you

nothing you would want to hear

it’s been a long, very lonely time

now it’s mostly just sickness and fear

what i’ve done since then is not living

i may as well not even exsist

each day i just go on pretending

i push through it all, i persist

so it’s easiest to just keep on going

with these nameless, faceless days

waiting for that familiar solace

to take all these memories away

i may not matter anymore

i may have faded away

i may have lost all that i’ve loved

but i’m still sitting here today

dilluted and broken down

alone and full of fear

paying the cost for all days lost

for each moment i had, there’s a tear

you never really realize

what you have until it’s gone

rotten  pages full of mold

and a long forgotten song

faces burned into your mind

voices that still ring so clear

memories of who i was

things i once held dear

nothing lasts forever

and noone stays the same

and these days feel so empty

and noone knows my name

i took all i ever knew

and traded it away

now i’m just that nameless face

on this hopeless endless day

jan 17 2011

—i wrote this after cleaning out my parents basement. i was looking for my journals, only to realize i’d left them at some random house. all my old pictures and keepsakes were full of water damage and mold.  almost everything was destroyed. and i got to thinking about how none of that shit mattered when i was on the streets.  but now that i’m home, i feel like all those things that defined me, my past, are ruined or lost.  not to mention all the friends i’ve lost touch with.  i felt really alone. lost.  so i tried to easy the pain by bleeding the wound. i think it worked.