missing you

dear mickey,

a year ago today you left us. i know life was never easy for you, we had that in common.  sometimes it seemed like trouble followed us where ever we went. or maybe we brought trouble with us… but regardless we made life easier for each other for many many years.  you were my best friend since i was 15.  and now that you’re gone, life feels even harder to manuever.  i’m not gonna  pretend like i understand why you had to end your life like that. i know you were in pain. (we both were, for as long as i can remember) and i know you had some problems i didn’t understand, and some i didn’t even know about.  but i wish you had just given me a chance to try and help you through it. i don’t know much about life. but i do know that nothing lasts forever, not even pain, as excruciating as it can be.

i remember the night we met. we were freshmen in high school. but we didn’t go to school together, so we had never crossed paths.  we were both going to  a kids house in my neighborhood to watch a high school band play.  i was a little drunk, as were you. i was walking down the street with friends, and you were coming down the hill on your roller blades.  you ran me right over.  i can laugh about it now, but jesus, i was pissed that night. we both went flying, and as you tried to help me up, i cussed you out something fierce.  i thought you were such an arrogant prick, cuz you kept making  jokes about me taking up the whole street.

i had no idea how that collision would change my life.

after that night we started hanging out. my friends became your friends, and it was the big group of us from then on.

we stayed tight no matter what happened. i knew i could always count on you, and you could do the same for me.  the night i ate that bad acid and i had my psychotic episode, it was you who stayed with me and held my hand until the police showed up at the hospital.  and it was you at my house that morning, sleeping in my bed and telling me the room would stop melting soon. you kept me sane when everyone else abandoned me.

i had your back when emma got pregnant and every one of our friends took her side after the break up.  i stayed home with you at our apartment when everyone stopped speaking to you. and when your daughter was born, i got to witness those precious first moments you had as a father.

when you got deployed to iraq, i was one of the only one of our friends that wrote you on the regular. just like i was the *only* person who wrote to you all those times you went to jail. because i  never wanted you to feel alone.  i guess i failed on that point.

i know you felt like you were in love with me at one point. and it never really went away.  we both know we had something very special, and i suppose i will always wonder what could have been. it’s just that we both know neither of us had a very good track record with relationships, and i was not willing to lose you in my life if things didn’t go well. i couldn’t risk not having you in my life.  and now you’re gone anyway. if i knew then what i know now, i would have done things differently. i know i always loved you, always will. i just wish i had shown you in the way you wanted me to.

remember that one time we ended up together? what a melee that was. we hooked up in boston one day for drinks, ended up smoking crack in fitchburg, and then i showed you how to shoot heroin.  that was the only night we ever slept together. i have so many mixed emotions about that night.  i hate myself for shooting dope with you, but i don’t regret the fact that we had those intimate moments together.

we brought alot of drama when we were together. like the night brian smashed your window cuz he was jealous of us being friends.  or when you girlfriend chased me out of the house because she was jealous of our friendship. i guess maybe everyone saw something that i just didn’t until it was too late.

you were my best friend.  nothing you did could ever make me not love you. and you accepted me when everyone else turned away from me.  when word got out i was a certified junkbox, you still loved me. and i will never ever forget that.

i was in the store the other day, and some guy walked by me and said “what’s up” and i dropped the dog food i was carrying. tears filled my eyes and i couldn’t breathe. i swear on my life it was you. your voice, your face. when i turned around to look again, he was gone.  i feel like that was a gift. just the feeling of having you near me again was so perfect. for that one moment, you were with me again.

i was never mad at you for committing suicide. i was mad at myself for not seeing it. for not being the friend for you that you always were for me. but i realise now that some time has passed that maybe there was nothing i, or anyone could have done. and now all i can do is honor your memory, and love you, until we meet again.

and we will. that is one thing in my life i am sure of. in my heart. you’ll be waiting for me, in the end.

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