same story, different title….

so i noticed i’ve been getting some comments on how i haven’t been posting….and i figured it’s only fair to check in.  i’ll be honest, i didn’t really want to talk much about what’s going on in my life. i had been getting some really cruel comments, which i deleted, like a coward i suppose. but to be  honest with you, my friends, without the constant veil of narcotic mist around me, things like insults and death wishes can actually make me cry.  but i thought about it for a while, and decided, fuck it. if i can’t be honest here, where  can i be? so let’s get it all out on the table.

more often than not, i am on my best behavior.  i’m still no angel, but i am doing okay, compared to how i have been in the past.

now that i’m not strung out all the time, my emotional issues have bubbled to the top of my everyday life, like fat being burned off the bone of an old hamsteak.  there have been a handful of times i’ve gotten hammered drunk, and ended up crying by myself the whole time.  things  i haven’t gotten over, traumas i can’t talk about in my everyday life.  a couple of weeks ago i ended up in the woods across the street from my house, on my knees in the grass, full moon over head, screaming at the top of my lungs, looking at the tree my cousin hung himself in.

sometimes, i’ll get so drunk and just sit in the kitchen by myself and listen to music, think about mickey, my dead best friend, and wonder why he couldn’t come to me, instead of killing himself.   and my boyfriend gets all bent out of shape cuz i won’t talk to him about it, but i just can’t. it’s this private pain, and i feel it keeps me close to them….like it’s all i have left of these people i love, and i don’t want to share it with anyone.

and it’s not like it’s only when i get drunk, it’s just unchecked at that point. it’s a constant pain, day in and day out.  but you can just put that on the list of things that make me fuct up.

like my boundary issues with men.  i suppose i could look at it clinically, and say that those issues come from abandonment issues with my father, that constant need to be desired and accepted, loved….like i never was in childhood. blah blah blah. i don’t know why i feel that way, why i want to know i’m desired.  it’s natural on some level.

so i’m in this really nice relationship with robbie now, and everything is going good…but that’s not enough for me, is it? so i’m always pushing the envelope. and i’m not talking about “friends”, cuz i have plenty of them…and that’s normal. i’m friends with alot of my exes, which i know is controversial for alot of people. but that’s just the way i’ve always been. so yes, i was writing to jesse while he was in jail this last time ( i hear he’s out now, but i haven’t heard from him, yet) and yes, casey comes to see me when he’s in town. i really enjoy seeing him when i can. and robbie can’t tell me not to.

robbie puts all this pressure on me, about my past. it really gets under my skin. the fact of the matter is, robbie has only had one girlfriend besides me in his whole life, and she’s his son’s mother. if you have been a fan of my blog, you know i’ve had my fair share of love affairs.  (which i am grateful for, i loved all my exes, always will.  robbie doesn’t get that. i believe  you can have love for people your whole life, and not want to be like them again….you can stay friends, no benefits.

sometimes i feel like he’ll never really trust me, and i don’t even know if he should….point and case: two weeks ago.  my friend elliott, this kid i know from biscuits shows, started talking to me on facebook like daily. i thought it was nice to hear from him, and he came over one day while robbie was at work. i know what y0u’re thinking, and no i didn’t fuck the kid.  but he  has been really flirty. like crossing the line flirty.

i know he’s got a girlfriend, and he knows i live here with robbie…but it doesn’t seem to matter too much.  in my head i say “it’s just flirting” but in my heart i know i wouldn’t want it to happen to me. i am always really hurt when my boyfriends flirt with other girls, nevermind the times i’ve been actually cheated on. but when it’s me doing the flirting, it seems like a harmless little game.  i have to admit i like the attention. i always have. i suppose i always will.  but i don’t mean any harm by it.  it’s not serious to me, i guess that’s why it doesn’t really  matter to me.

but robbie came downstairs a couple of weeks ago while i was on the computer, drunk (needless to say), and found me talking to elliott. i read the messages the next day, and there was nothing on there to make him freak out like he did.  he had been drinking too, and when he saw i was on the laptop,  he grabbed it out of my hands and threw it on the floor.  he started screaming and i started crying and it was a complete scene. half way due to my drunken indiscretion, and half due to his drunken jealously.  eh, what can you do?

but we get along most of the time…..it is what it is.

we go out to the city every now and then, cop some dope and just relax. my friend marc, ( you might remember marc from some of my old posts, kid i used to go boosting with til he ended up doing six years in jail.) has been squatting in the city for a while since he got out on parole. he’s wanted again for failure to complete his parole, so we’ve been spending as much time with him as we can, cuz he’s heading west with the fall tour scene.   he’s got some guys with killer dope out in dorchester, so we take the train up and make a day of it.

i tell you what, i know it’s crazy to feel this way after all the trauma i’ve been through. but on the train on my way to cop, i get those same old butterflies in my stomach, just like old times.  we go to the pricechopper bathroom and i stick that needle in my arm, and all the bullshit just vaporizes. no more pain, no more tears, no more fears or failures. no more loss, no more hope or dreams or reasons to want or need, no loss, no gain. no nothing. and that’s exactly the way i like it.  nothingness….

we went up to the city for the bruins parade, got off, and spent the rest of the day wandering through the gardens, eating soft pretzels, and drinking like 30 raspberry slushi’s. it was a good time, and i don’t care how that sounds.

we do coke from time to time too…which is just fine by me. it’s not the good shit that i used to get in boston, but it’s not confectionary sugar either. it’s not so easy to hide the tracks now that it’s summer, so we only do it like once a month.

i don’t know how much you know about shooting drugs, but it’s fair to say it’s way easier to shoot one bag of dope and get high, than it is to shoot two grams of coke. dope doesn’t dull your needle, and one shot does you just fine…coke dulls the needle like whoa, and you have to turn yourself into a pin cushion  to get off. (a shot every ten minutes)  so that’s a good enough reason to keep me in check….for the time being.

i was getting ready to tell you all about my plans for the future, what i am looking to do in the next few months. but i can hear the hecklers already “you’ll never do any of that” and “you’re just a worthless junky.”  so i think it will be better to show, instead of tell….and when i actually *DO* these things, all you haters can hate all you want…  hehehehe.

so anyway, that’s my life these days. now that i got all this off  my chest, we’ll be in touch more often.  this shit never stops being cathartic…thanks for listening, guys. i appreciate it.