hope springs eternal…or so i hear.

just a quick note to keep up with myself, my own life. i guess i do this more for myself than for anyone else…catharsis and whatnot.  which i need every now and then.

i was starting to get stuck in that dark mud of depression that sucks me down sometimes. i mean, i suppose its just part of my personality. way before the drugs or the booze, there was the abyss. this endless black hole that i fall into, and just exsist there until i emerge on the other side. i’m sure that is part of the reason i use so much. it’s much easier to bury the pain under narcotics than it is  to face all that shit and deal with it.

so the past few weeks i’ve been having a hard time….it’s been hard to find work out here in the country. and without a substance to keep me occupied, i start to realize things i don’t want to realize. the fact that i’m almost 30 and i have no degree, no job, no money.  i feel guilt for being so dependent on robbie and my parents. i feel like i should be able to care for myself, and do nice things for my mother, my niece. i want to be self sufficient again. i want to be proud of myself again….

these were the feelings i was having the past few weeks. i had applied for a few jobs, had a few interviews…nothing.  so i started looking into getting my cori sealed, which i now know requires a *lot* of time and money…..which made me feel even worse. i mean, 15 years to seal one misdemeanor conviction? or a bank rolled lawyer to pull the strings for me. ha. i’ll get right on that.

so i got a phone call yesterday, from my old boss @ the lumber yard. looking to give me a job. just a few days a week, for now. but just the fact that he would offer me a job after the way i left….it means alot to me.

my addiction ruined this job for  me the last time around. i’m just glad i have a chance to  make it right.

on top of that, i think my mother and i may go up to visit my brother and his family.  aaron will be leaving the army and moving to where his wife’s family is….down south somewhere. so it will be really nice to spend some time with them before they leave. who knows when i’ll be able to make it down there.  and that’s another thing i’m really grateful for, the fact that his wife will let me visit. when, this time last year she wouldn’t even let me have their phone number.

i may not be perfect, and i know i still make bad choices, but i can’t help but feel i’m doing something right at this point. and i won’t hesitate to be happy, or proud of myself.