subliminal messages from my subconcious

i had a dream the other night……

here i am, back in detox…when will this shit ever end. i had been in this particular detox for a few days now. i was getting restless, but i knew the cops were out looking for me so it was better to lay low. besides, the kids in here weren’t so bad, and the meetings were in this incredible place that defies descrption. but i’ll try anyway. the meetings at this particular detox took place on this amazing mountaintop, everything was alive and vibrant, psychadelic swirling colors…and while you were there there was this incredible feeling of peace and security. i liked it up there, and it was one of the only reasons i stayed as long as i did.

but after the meetings were over, we came back to the dingy underfunded detox floor, and i got restless all over again. i met these kids who said they had smuggled in some shit, did i wanna  get off? do i ever. i was in the bathroom trying my damndest to get the rig in right, (which is impossible in dreams, if you know what i mean. i can never get off in dreams, always missing or not hitting right.) but i didn’t even get to finish, cuz the cops were breaking down the door. great, they found me. i wasn’t even safe in the anonimity of detox. so i ran. i was bookin it down the stairs and was almost out the door into the freedom of the city streets, when i heard the voice of the man right at my back.

i was on the ground and in cuffs before i could exhale another breath. goddamnit. i had been doing so good, keeping a low profile. what went wrong? i was frustrated. not looking forward to being sick in jail. grrrr. i waited for them to put me in the car and haul me off to the station, but it didn’t happen.

the bigger of the two cops started feeling all over me. the second one just snickered, enjoying the show. oh no this shit is not going down like this. no fucking way. not gonna happen. the cop was getting more excited, breathing heavy, pawing all over me. i was about to puke. no no no.

my friendly neighborhood police officer couldn’t quite get me to assume the position he was looking for….so he took off my cuffs, for better access.  as soon as my wrists were free, i was off and running again.  i ran into the woods, conviently located across the street, and i disappeared into the darkness. i ran for what seems like years, and finally came out of the woods to an empty parking lot. standing in the lot was jesse  and a few other kids he had been hanging around with. i had a feeing i knew these kids, but i didn’t recognise their faces. even jesse didn’t look like himself. it was a strange feeling, but i was just glad to be amung friends again. of course, in a dream, time doesn’t exsist….we could have wandered for hours or days, but we were just walking and talking. i was really enjoying the company of these people, jesse and i held hands, the sun and the moon hung over us, too lazy to rise or set. i felt free.

some time later we came across what i’m guessing was a public restroom. one room, standing alone in the middle of an empty field. one of our friends went into to building, i don’t know why. what i do know is when he came out, he was transformed. he kept telling us how amazing it was in there, how it changed his whole way of thinking and feeling, how he could do anything now. the room was some portal to complete bliss. one after another the boys went inside. each came  out higher than the next. i begged jesse not to go, something wasn’t right. he didn’t go, and we watch as our friends came in and out over and over.  we didn’t wander the planet anymore, we camped out next to the building, each day the same as the one before. it. our friends studied the room, wanting to know everything about it. they discovered that it was not the room itself that was magical, but some strange gas that came out of the venting. they found away to capture the gas in little capsules, and then they could take the feeling with them whererever they went. becuase, of course, the feeling didn’t last, and you had to keep up a certain level of gas to keep the feeling in your heart.

the next thing i know jesse and i are walking into a hospital. we are going to visit some of our friends….something terrible has been going down. our friends that loved the gas the most had been suffering some dire side effects. we walked into the unit, and there was one of them. in a wheelchair, dead behind the eyes, half made of what looked like cornbread. yes, cornbread. it seems that habitual exposure to the gas would take away all your motor skills, and cognative thought, but not only that, it took away your humanity. it turned people into baked goods. muffins, cookies, cornbread. it was bizzare.

i felt this wave of relief rush over me. thank god jesse and i hadn’t touched that godforsaken room with its mystery gas of blissful destruction. it was devestating to see our friends like this though. i was sitting with one kid, stroking what was left of his hair. bits and pieces of him fell off onto the floor. he was drying out and the bread was going stale, soon he would be nothing but crumbs. swept up and tossed in the trash. it was only a matter of time.

there was a loud noise, i looked up, startled. it was the cops. those same cops i had escaped from before i ran into jesse.  i was instantly terrified. jesse looked up from what he was doing and grabbed my hand. we ran. wind whipping past us and we tried to escape. the cops were much faster this time than the last time, and i was afraid we weren’t going to get away this time. jesse stopped dead and told me to hold onto him, he’d get us out of here. i was confused, but i did as i was told. he pulled a capsule of the gas out of his pocket. i was so upset. he had promised me he wasn’t doing the gas like the rest of the boys. tears welled up in my eyes. how was this going to help us get away. just as the police were closing in on  us, he popped the cap, and grabbed onto me. suddenly we were airborne. we shot into the stratosphere, and i felt incredible. we were so high up i could barely make out the planet below us. no wonder they love this stuff so much. we can do anything up here. i understand now. i BELIEVE.

we came floting down back to earth, miles away from the cops, safe at last. i was elated, i turned to tell jesse how i finally understood the gas….and he was laying on the ground, half human half cornbread.  i fell to my knees, stricken with grief. a small group of our people circled around us, just watching as i ripped chunks of bread off of his face. he was in there somewhere, i just knew it. the bread was brittle and it came off easy in my hands. tears streamed down my face. i knew this shit was going to happen. stupid stupid. see what happems. see what fucking happens. 

i finally dug down to his face. he looked pale and empty inside.  he just kept telling me he loved me, and he needed help. i started screaming. someone help us. we need help someone help us please. the people around us just sat there, dumbly observing the scene like it was primetime tv. i just hung over his twitching body, crying and screaming for help…..but noone came. the sun and the moon hung over us forever. and noone came.

i had that dream about a week ago, and it still fucks me up.