all we can do today…

so i don’t have time to update right now, but jesse came home this weekend.  we got a hotel room and celebrated our reunion. it was an amazing time. we did spend quite a chunk of change on consumables. but you’ll be glad to know that’s where it ended. when the shit was gone it was gone, we went to my parents houss and had easter dinner with them, sober. we spent time w/ my brother dax. (we surprised him w/ tickets to see the biscuits in the city w/ us. he was super psyched) we haven’t gotten high since, and don’t have any immediate plans to.  this friday i want to bring him to my favorite cocaine annonymous group.  jesse’s never really done recovery as it’s laid out in the book. i feel lucky to be able to show him what i’ve learned.

so go ahead and hate. i’m not saying we are going  to change the world, or even stay clean, but i can tell you this. we do want a better life, we want that better life to be togehter, and we are going to do our damndest to make it happen. and for now, all there is to do is not get high today. and that’s the plan. not get high, just for today…..

here i am

just when i thought nothing else could be taken away from me….junkylife.com goes down the shitter. ha. the one thing  i thought was steady, goes to show how much i know. 

welll, i the endless drama that is my life…..there is many more a story to tell as of today.

i wonder how being on plain old wordpress will affect me, seeing as i was on junkylife for a very specific reason, that being my status as a junky rockstar. oh well. i said it last week, if you don’t like it, don’t fucking read it.

so here’s to a new chapter in my life, and a new chapter on this blog. welcome aboard readers…..lets take a trip together.

in my spare time

i?ve been trying not to get high so much lately. my dealer went to detox, and we are trying to save money for vacation. i thought i was going to be miserable, and bored. i?m not working, so i thought sobriety would drive me slowly insane.
in actuality, i?ve been doing yoga, meditating. i?ve gotten two interviews for jobs next week, and i?ve been reading, alot of spiritual, energy work stuff. i?ve signed up for classes in the fall, and i?ve been spending alot of time outside, with my brothers and casey.
its been so long since i?ve CHOSEN to be sober, and it feels so good.
but we slipped up today. and i feel only about half as bad as i think i should . isn?t that how it always is, during the honeymoon phase. when you don?t have a habit, and everytime you get bags you get super fucking high. i shot up after lunch, and i was jammed until almost eight. it was nice. really nice.
but that?s how it gets you. seduce you with both ends of the cycle. in the beginning, you feel so good about yourself, clean, doing things, learning things, being a whole person again. and then when you do get high, it?s so goddamn good, you start to think ?well, if i could keep it like this, just get high in my spare time, then i?d have it made.?
but that?s impossible, the scale always tips, and you are back to copping everyday, just to get straight, not even to get high. you are back to being broke and seeing your family in your spare time instead of seeing your dealer in your spare time.

but i don’t want to see it that way. each step you take gets you that much closer to your goal, no matter how small.

i want to see this as the beginning of the end, not just another trip on the carousel.

looking up from the bottom

so, we have been super broke for the past month or so. casey and i are at the end of our rope. i haven’t worked since may, and we’ve lost everything. the basement we were keeping our worldly posessions in while we are staying with my parents, it has some kind of moisture problem, and everything i own is covered in mold. its a sad death for things. taking it all out of boxes, deciding which pieces to try to clean off, and which ones should be put out of their misery. it’s hard to let go of the past.

i’m trying to stay positive. i believe it all happens for a reason, and maybe this is the only way i was going to let go of the past, to have it ripped out of my clutching hand. so next time i move, i won’t bring any of that useless baggage with me. no old notes from high school, no stuffed animals from abusive exboyfriends, no blankets from childhood that should’ve been garbage years ago. none of that shit. just me and casey and our new begining. i’m starting to feel better about it all.

we are supposed to be getting our car put on the road next week. i see this as a mixed blessing. see, we’ve been doing better staying clean, without a car. i guess that goes without saying, but it’s true. we even saved up the money we needed to give our tour friends for camp bisco. (a summer festival we’re going to, we rented a house, and needed 200.00 for the down payment.) we actually handed them the money yesturday, it was such a huge thing. i was so proud of us. we held onto that money, didn’t call anyone, didn’t spend it. i know it’s not alot, but it made me proud. because everyone says the last thing to go is the things you really love to do. when you start using instead of going on vacation with your mom, or when you use instead of snowboarding. when you give up who you are for what you use. if we don’t go to shows, we are hopeless junkies. but we can still get it together for tour, and that means alot.

so i sortof don’t want to put the car on the road. because that will give us that freedom back. sure, i’ll get a job, but that’s just more money to spend on shit. i don’t want to be negative, but i know how it works. we aren’t using cuz we can’t. no money no car. give us the car, which leads to money, and you have two addict on the hunt again. the probability is overwhealming.

i hope it doesn’t end up that way. i’m not saying i’m gonna be perfect, i just don’t want to go back to an everyday habit. that cosuming hunt for dope that kills the idea of doing anything else. “what, go grocery shopping, not unless i get high first”

looking up from the bottom, i see alot of possibilities, some good some bad. it’s up in the air, which way it will go… but at least we got our money for camp. that’s a start.

hold onto this one

some incredible moments today. it was a beautiful day today. we went up to the ocean, and i just soaked it all up. i felt really close to nature, which wasn’t easy due to the hundreds of little kids and clusters of litter strewn across the beach. but i managed to block it out and really embed myself in the feel of me and the scenary. the wind on my skin, the water on my feet as i walked up and down the lowtide sandbar. i could filter out the screams and horns honking and just hear the soft rush of the ocean and the cawing of the seagulls. it was a much needed escape from the hustle of everyday life. and now that i’m home, slightly sunburnt and risidually elated, it’s a good feeling.

and the best part, to me anyway, was that i was completely clean. i took my suboxone this morning and i haven’t gotten high all day. to be able to just feel and be in the moment, it meant alot. to spend a day free and clear of dope, free of being on the hunt. i know it’s not alot, and we did a bundle last night before bed.so it’s not like i’m on a “sober living” kick. but i would’ve rather done it all last night, and had this clean, spiritual moment on the beach, than have taken bags to the beach and been numb all day. life is just a bunch of little moments strung together like beads. some are gonna be fuzzy, or bland, and some will be vibrant. this one here will be a nice one.

always tomorow

i was thinking about some of the negative comments i got on my “sad conclusion” post. i still think it’s retarded to think you can throw stones, but i do feel the need to stop making excuses and get back on my chosen path.

it’s funny how people can be so mean, and still i can find inspiration is the cruelty. but that’s what you have to do in life, find the good in whatever you are handed.

i have an appointment to see a lady about starting a new school program, for holistic heath and beauty studies. i’m really excited. i’ve always been a “new age kid” if you’ll excuse the terminology. so i’m looking forward to being able to channel my talents into something real i can do with my time to make a living.

i also put in some applications for jobs, while i’m in school. my mom has been really supportive, and i’m happy with the way things are going at home now. it was tough for a while, but i know they are just concerned about me. i really don’t know what they are going through, i’ve never been on the other side of addiction.but we are making an effort to keep the using to a minimum. we got a new suboxone script, and we are only getting high maybe two days out of the week, weekends usually.

yesturday was casey’s birthday. 28 years old. a newer friend of ours, mary, picked us up and got us high to celebrate. we went to the city and scored pretty easy, which was a relief. i did two bags, and it was a little too much. next thing i knew i being pulled out of the car, and casey’s holding my hand, making me walk in circles around the parking lot. they are both looking real worried.

“are you okay, kaia, drink some more water” rubbing my back and pushing the hair away from my face. he hands me the water bottle, and i took a couple really small sips.

i knew i was fine, but i also knew i was close to the edge. i’ve never gone out before, but i think this is how it would feel right before. my heart must’ve been pounding, but i couldn’t feel it. everything looked really fuzzy, and the voices were far away sounds. my body was so hot, my skin flushed. it was a scarry feeling. and i kept thinking over and over. not on casey’s birthday, not on casey’s birthday.

but i came back through, and we drove home. after that first couple minutes it was all good.i felt that mellow good high that we are always chasing. we went back to the house, and just hung around. not a huge 4th celebration, just us, pleasantly high, enjoying each other’s company. out by the pool, talking with my brother and his friends. we had some cake and listened to music.

and that’s what really matters to me, not what anyone else thinks, or what some online asshole has to say. i know i’m doing my best with my life, and i’m thankful for what i do have, casey, my family, and a very few, select real friends, who like me as i am.

we took our suboxone today, and i feel good. it’s not everyday i have the conviction to have money in my pocket and not spend it on dope. but i did it today. i wish i could bottle this feeling.

when you feel like you can really do it. really get clean (or at least cleaner than you were before) and accomplish the other goals you have. when you feel like people are proud of you, and you are proud of yourself. i wish i could bottle it, and take it out when i feel vunerable or sad, weak. then i could remember how confident i was, and maybe not get so down on myself.

but you can’t. so i’ll just live it now, and be thankful i even have moments like this. not everyone has moments like this. they key is to stretch the moments out, make it all happen little by little. then i won’t need to remind myself, i’ll just feel it.