for my cousin

someday….. all my tears will dry and all my fear, subside that day when i realize you weren’t lost when you died feeling will come back and i’ll be alive again as i look back on you and how you were my friend now, all i can do is cry and wish you were still here just to hear you laugh once more just to have you near but then….. the pain wont be as sharp and deep and i will feel you close to me in my heart, in my soul is where you’ll always be i always thought you’d be with me but one cold day, you were gone but i know you’ll come back to me someday…. when i learn to carry on -i love you hun.

collection

 these are some stream of conciousness writings i’ve been doing on my myspace….enjoy.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

the final countdown  the clock ticks the seconds away and a wait as impatiantly as if nothing has changed. i can’t breath enough and my hearts skipping beats my brain races with thoughs as i’m running the streets in my mind in my soul in that dark empty spot, where i crave that which kills and i want what i want.  and i build it up so much i can never attain that quite bliss i’ve made up inside of my brain. and i feel it in my blood and it courses through my viens and i stand all alone and i wait for the train to come and take me away to a place i still know.  a place i belong even if i dont think so.  it fits me so well and its so tight i can breath but isnt that what i want these chemical that relieve and cause all my pain since the day it began.  i dont try to explain so don’t try to understand. the final seconds tick by until its back in my hands that itch to pick up and start this again

Thursday, October 18, 2007

we dance i smile as the light go down and the voices swirl around  in a sea of sound so deep noone knows where it started. as my eyes dialte i see now its too late to take it back this is it what i wanted all along this  will be a good one. my soul shakes and my heart breaks we look up and its time to begin the room is alive this is why we’re waiting. as the noise pours down and it all makes such sense just how is should be grimey and inverted. we all share one dream and we lucidly stream on the wings of this mass hallucination. he holds me so close and i feel so at home with the bass keeping the beat my heart follows. and i hear all my favorite songs from a lifetime so long and hard that this is my only solace. this boy and these drugs and we dance our blood pumps and for once i don’t feel so retarded. it all fades away as i breath it all in this chaos this peace exhaling pieces of me. and we dance all around we swim through this crowd so many people around but to me its just us, just like always. and i smile up at him and he holds me again and we dance on this way until morning. until the end of all time i’m am caught in this game and i’ll play until there’s no music. 11:35 AM - 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit - Remove

i know

 i know its best to walk away i know what i had to do i know there were better words to say what we both knew was true i know i could have been a big girl and you could have taken it like a man but we are just not those people its hard to understandi know you only wanted what you thought that you deserved i know you thought you loved me i know youve been unnerved i know you need control i know i hurt your pride i just don’t think you understand what you do to me insidei know i don’t come from money i know i’m immature i know i don’t have fashion sense i know i act obsurd i know my family is fuct up i know my friends are crude i know you do not understand me or my alleged attitude i know you don’t like what i do i know we don’t feel the same i know you think i’m embarrassing i know you think i’m insanei just dont know why you want me if this is the way you feel i dont know why you put me down and then tell me all this is real i just dont know what you expect from me except maybe to be born again become this cute little project you can show off to all your friendsi know you thought you loved me but i think you only loved the idea of what you wanted me to be and that’s not love my deari know i really fuct you over i know it wasn’t right but i know i had to end it i give up this fight i hope you know i did whats best even if i did it the wrong way but i know, i hope, you’ll you know what i mean, i know you’ll know…someday. Friday, October 05, 2007

running just when the sun is setting on me, and i see it’s too dark to get home, just when the cold heavy air closes in, and i see that the end has begun, just as i sit myself down in the field to wait out the night for the sun.  i see a small flicker along down the path i jump to my feet and i run.  my tiny heart pounds pumping blood to my soul its been withered and tired as of late.  sweat pours down my back and my breath catches fast as my chest heaves as i follow my fate.  floating on down this road nestled deep in this wood the trees blurr beyond my line of sight.  the wind cools my face how do i know this place ive been here before, summer nights.  i am getting so tired i cant run this race i don’t know which way that light went.  i have lost my way what else can i say in my cold hands i hold my face waiting for tears that have been stored up for years but nothing comes just the silence.  the heat of the night and the cold of the light from a moon thats so unforgiving.  no stars in the sky as i give up and lie in the tall grass and finally give in.  i’ll just wait here wait out the pain and the fear and someday i’ll find it again,  a way out of this place some familiar face and a feeling of peace in my small heart.  a simple understanding of fate and of god what i have and what i have not.  it will come to me or i to it i’m not sure which way it will unfold.  but i dont have to run the nights already begun and im to young to be feeling so old.

Monday, October 01, 2007

so familiar  i come from a place unknown to most where the stars shine so bright in the stinging cold of the night.  where the moons always full and the days are empty where everyone knows everyone but noone really sees who you are where the fires burn late into the night but the sun never comes up to fight of the fright.  when its so cold and you sweat and you cry and its wet but there are no tears to dry where the phone rings off the hook but noones home to pick you up cuz we’re all too busy with our own mindless existance to stop and think for a second there is something beyond this and i thought i could run fast enough and far enough and start over in a place where noones even known me and noone needs to see the wrap sheet i’ve got wrapped up inside me but the longer i wait and the slower i breath the more i see its just as it always was the name have been changed but we are still not so innocent and the address is wrong but the song remains the same the substance is gone but life is still meaningless and there is no escape and there is no moral to this story the point is its pointless and the more you struggle the more tangled you get and the farther you run the closer you are to home and no matter what you do to make it go away it will always live inside you way past your dying day because i come from a place unknown to most where the nights never end and the day will never come you can’t shed this skin its too deep to scratch off this is the place you come home to when you’re  lost

Saturday, September 15, 2007

love letter….. as i swim through this lucid dream they call life i see faces i love and places i know and i wonder how long until this show starts and i miss that bed and that feeling in my head and the look on your face when i do something crazy you don’t find friends like this in the want ads and you dont live these moments ever again i look to the future through a veil of the past and i wonder to myself how long this feeling can last and i ache for the sea and the wind in my hair and a long talk with you when we are neither here nor there and it feels so good just to know your still here through all of the distance the time and the fear and someday i’ll see you and our laughter will fill the air one day you’l look up from your book, my love and i’ll be standing right there.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

journey shine on while you move along and come along for the ride although i think we’re lost but we wander on anyway, who says you need to know or act like you do or put on a show lets just admit we are clueless and shameless and aimless and it doesnt really matter cuz were not playing this game or running that race were just rambling on down this windy road watching the restless run themselves ragged and laughing at the little things that make this trip worthwhile why take it all so serious when there are so many doing that already take up the slack with the slackers and just be for a minute who cares what they say or what they think if they even do that anymore most of the time they just spit out memorized answers to questions they dont know recite life why dont you see just cuz you judge me doesnt mean i’ll submit to your ideas i just hold my head up high underwater and wait for the tide to change i’m not scared of getting nowhere cuz i’m here right now dont worry so much its just another day and the sun comes up and then the moon and i’ll walk along, and you can come too.

Monday, September 10, 2007

clock tick tock the clock just goes on and i feel like a time bomb and who knows when i’ll go off next i don’t really see the point to this game and i dont want to play leave me be i just want to do my time get a time out forget all along what i was trying to want and just go back to the easier times when it was all so hard but i never noticed i just want a glass of milk and a veggie dog and a place thats not mine but i call it home and people that dont like me and i love to hate them and no real time but the present and no real regrets because i’m too numb to notice and too far gone to care it sounds crazy but there once was a time when this was what i thought i wanted and now the grass has gotten so green on that other side i just want to jump over this river or swim by your side and i dont want to give in but i have already given up i surrender but not that way i just want to be taken over and made a slave to something i can name but choose not to its easier to follow when your head is down and i don’t need to make sense i don’t even make a sound i just want to fade away with the noise of the day tick tock its only a matter of time.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

all who wander are not lost as i drift through conciousness my thoughts come to life and walk off without me i don’t quite understand how i got down this path but the girl standing here doesn’t know me it feels so surreal i don’t know the deal if i don’t handle this gently i’ll break it my poor little head id be better off dead and you know how it goes and you like it i wish you were here, but my  throats closed up with fear of the unknown and all i know too well the ice in my blood and the ache in my back and the itch on my arm in that one spot i stop to lick my wounds and cut my losses and the moon comes up fuller than ever and in the pale light i see you dont really know me any more than i know the way out so we walk along in silence and i dance around the subject because its all relitive to the size of your heart and the path gets more narrow as you close me off and i go off alone to ponder the dark none of it matter and nobodys there at the end of the line and i just stop and stare and wonder how i got here, and how to get back or at least the way out…but noone knows that

dream state days blur into each other nothing changes nothing is the same anymore i drift along this rift of noise and scream out this slience my head rings with pain and i want it again and i have no where to go i’ve forgetten the way home and this place gets so cold at night all alone i just want you to hold me hold on it get rough through here this ride goes all night as we walk up the flight of steps lead the way as i pray for daylight and the bathwater was warm a few hours ago but i fell asleep and drowned in this mess so hand me a towel and well start again because i don’t know how to get clean in a place like my head we danced for so long my feet bleed i cant go on just carry me to the alley way and leave me alone i don’t mind is so much i’ve just had too much and its never enough to calm the static and the whit noise blairs on somewhere in it i hear a song i know all to well i sing along just tie this off for me and well be okay well make it to the sunrise one more time cuz each night melt into day and it all stays the same no matter how far away you think your getting…. Thursday, June 28, 2007

you its all because of you the way i feel inside i wish i had a graps on these things i cannot hide i want to say i’m sorry i wish i could forgive i walk along in sorrow i bring along this kid i dont know how to get there or who will pay the fee i’m not sure why they want me i don’t know who to be i don’t know what i’m saying i really haven’t got a clue i wish i was at home now i wish i were with you i don’t really understand whats manifesting in my mind i don’t ask questions i dont fight i just lay down and accept he’s right my best thinking fucked me over and i just dont have the right to say a word or do a thing to ruine this fateful night so i’ll just sit and wonder what it will all mean in the end its because of you the way i feel my long forgotten friend

Friday, June 08, 2007

flowing hang me up to dry don’t leave me hanging here i want to know the secret but i can’t decifer your dreams i just want to see you in the sunlight but the moons too bright and i’m too tempted to trust myself and its honesty that gets me everywhere with you and noone understand i underestimated the power of a simple no and the dance goes on day in and day out and above and beyond into the wild i don’t know if i’ll ever come back from this trip i took to much this time it took to long to go full circle and he’s waiting on the other side just like always and i know i’m never really solitary even though i feel so confined i just need to know that this will all be green in the end and in the oracle i see the future of the end of the world and peace isn’t in the cards when the chips are down you look so sad as you don this crown and i kiss you lips and you kiss me back and its not so real as i want it  to be but it feels good and your nice and the way that i see it if he wants me to be happy i will take it and like it when does this ever happen to a girl like me i should’ve been dead before i learned to see and now my eyes are wide open and i’m so grateful to be. just to be to have a chance and to take it and to make it what i can make it today is the day and the sun’s finally out and i kiss him so quick it leaves no shadow of doubt….

Friday, May 25, 2007

stream of thoughts stay tuned for a new and improved version of existance.  they say it all comes togehter in the end, but it all comes out in the wash i wash my hands of the whole ordeal i deal with the issue i’ve been issued i don’t want to go but i cant stay this way any longer the more i suffer the more i see that sinning isn’t a part of me i dance and i dance and i laugh while falling apart at the seams but it all seems so surreal and i just want to eat in peace but i’m going to pieces and i dont understand the underlying theme and things just dont make sense anymore i need change in these days and change for a dollar so i can get on the bus and go home your either on the bus or you’re not and life will not make this stop unless you know where your going and i just wanna go home but i’m hopeless and homeless and standing empty handed, with nothing to offer and i wonder when the sun will come out its so damn dark but i can see to the sea and she tells me it will be okay someday in the long run this run will seem so short and i wont feel that weight on my  chest anymore and the marks on my arms will be faded and gone and the ache in my heart will be replaced with a song and i wont have to cry everytime i think of you and i wont have to die just to make it to another day i dont have to put holes in my arms to get by and i don’t have to measure cc’s just to know i’m alive and i don’t have to pretend to be real anymore because i’ve gone into the light behind me i shut the door and its  a long walk but i’m ready and for once i’m not alone and i can hold your hand when i’m scared or i can pick up the phone, and it’s not “20 minutes” and it’s not “2 for 10″ for once its just us and i can be again i showed up today and thats all i can do hold onto my life to myself and to you

given up

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
with me!

GOD!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my…
Put me out of my fucking misery!

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is
Wrong with me!

~linkin park~

slipping down

“The Noose” a perfect circle
So glad to see you well, overcome them
Completely silent now
With heaven’s help
You’ve cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I’m more than just a little curious
How you’re plannin’ to go about makin’ your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they’re all
Someone else’s
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn
Before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I’m more than just a little curious
How you’re plannin’ to go about makin’ your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slippin’ down
Your halo slippin’
Your halo slippin’ down
Your halo slippin’ down

Your halo slippin’ down
(I’m more than just a little curious
How you’re plannin’ to go about makin’ your amends)

Your halo slippin’ down
Your halo’s slippin’ down to choke you now

~ i feel like such a fraud sometimes. everyone is always telling me how good i’m doing, and how good i am, and i feel like i should appologise for deceiveing them. i am not good, i am not doing good, and when i let everyone down, i’m sure it will hurt alot like it does right now. ~

falling out

falling out of love at this volume~bright eyes

tell me what you wanted to hear
let me do the right thing
let me do the wrong thing
and if it’s ever this clear
i will only say it once
just let me turn the amps way up
so you can hear nothing
and if i die tonight then i guess i die tonight
let me go on
just say what you wanted to say
i cannot stand these talks dear
they only get us nowhere
it’s never resolved
we only run around
you wanna tell me anyone could be just like me
if it’s a different time and a different place to be
you would go on

she was

i never noticed how empty she was

until the flood stopped

and we swam alone

all the blood drained away

and we were left, holding hands

death grip

on my limp wrist

and she’s scared

the walls are too high to climb

and i’m too confused to tell time

how long have we been

lost in this dream

how much more

until it’s over

left at the bottom

i held her close

even though i can see

she won’t make it

i play with here hair

tell here i’m still there

as her breathing gets smaller and smaller

i promise not to let go

or let anyone know

she was terrified

as it ended

her skin thin and white

just like that night

i finally realized

we had lost the fight

i never knew how empty

she was

until i stopped feeding her that shit

then she waisted away

like a cold winter day

nothing to show for all of it

my head’s been so sore

with all these thoughts

wanting more

something to make it all better

she’d take over my dreams

with shards of moonbeams

and promise to love me

if i’d let her

but now that i’m looking

it’s too late for this

she’s letting go

with one blissful kiss

her lips taste like m orphine

her skin smells like salt

all i ever needed

all i’ll ever want

i never noticed how lonely it was

on my own at the bottom

i see now because

there’s nothing left now

but the beat of my heart

the ache in this spot

and the sounds of my thoughts.

dream state

automatic writing…..

days blur into each other nothing changes nothing is the same anymore i drift along this rift of noise and scream out this slience my head rings with pain and i want it again and i have no where to go i’ve forgetten the way home and this place gets so cold at night all alone i just want you to hold me hold on it get rough through here this ride goes all night as we walk up the flight of steps lead the way as i pray for daylight and the bathwater was warm a few hours ago but i fell asleep and drowned in this mess so hand me a towel and well start again because i don’t know how to get clean in a place like my head we danced for so long my feet bleed i cant go on just carry me to the alley way and leave me alone i don’t mind it so much i’ve just had too much and its never enough to calm the static and the whit noise blairs on somewhere in it i hear a song i know all to well i sing along just tie this off for me and well be okay well make it to the sunrise one more time cuz each night melt into day and it all stays the same no matter how far away you think your getting….

red hot recovery

I’m an ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you want to re-assume
Now we know it all for sureI’m a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall
Up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I’ll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I’m a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There’s a love that knows the way

I’m the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of
Everything you’ve ever smelled
Not alone, I’ll be there
Tell me when you want to go

Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don’t forget me
I can’t hide it
Come again make me excited

I’m an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure

I could show you
To the free field
Overcome and more
Will always be revealed
Not alone, I’ll be there
Tell me when you want to go

Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don’t forget me
I can’t hide it
Come again get me excited

I’m the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure

Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I’ll be there
Tell me when you want to go
 

red hot chili peppers-don’t forget me

stream of thoughts

 

stay tuned for a new and improved version of existance.  they say it all comes togehter in the end, but it all comes out in the wash i wash my hands of the whole ordeal i deal with the issue i’ve been issued i don’t want to go but i cant stay this way any longer the more i suffer the more i see that sinning isn’t a part of me i dance and i dance and i laugh while falling apart at the seams but it all seems so surreal and i just want to eat in peace but i’m going to pieces and i dont understand the underlying theme and things just dont make sense anymore i need change in these days and change for a dollar so i can get on the bus and go home your either on the bus or you’re not and life will not make this stop unless you know where your going and i just wanna go home but i’m hopeless and homeless and standing empty handed, with nothing to offer and i wonder when the sun will come out its so damn dark but i can see to the sea and she tells me it will be okay someday in the long run this run will seem so short and i wont feel that weight on my  chest anymore and the marks on my arms will be faded and gone and the ache in my heart will be replaced with a song and i wont have to cry everytime i think of you and i wont have to die just to make it to another day i dont have to put holes in my arms to get by and i don’t have to measure cc’s just to know i’m alive and i don’t have to pretend to be real anymore because i’ve gone into the light behind me i shut the door and its  a long walk but i’m ready and for once i’m not alone and i can hold your hand when i’m scared or i can pick up the phone, and it’s not “20 minutes” and it’s not “2 for 10″ for once its just us and i can be again i showed up today and thats all i can do hold onto my life to myself and to you

lua-bright eyes

I know that it is freezing but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis; they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor’s west side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening; by the morning they’ll be gone.

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

And I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight