meet your maker

i started this draft in december 2008. i wonder what i was thinking then. i really wish i had written, but i was most likely too spun or whatever. but lets see what i feel about the phrase now.  “meet your maker” like god? like drugs? like yourself? what makes you? it’s funny, because that’s just 2 months before my cousin hung himself. do you think he met his maker? or was it his maker that drove him to that? (poor kid was strung hard, my heart still breaks every time i think of him) i guess if you are a semi-healthy person you would say your maker is your god. the creator of all things, breathing or not. recycling energy and souls like we are just one big endless spiral, spinning out, then spinning back in, meeting the center and starting the spin again. maybe that’s not what normal people think-after all. ha. but it is what i think.

but i also think of drugs as my maker, because since i was very young, they have made every decision for me small or large. “will i go to college?”  “will i go to this party?” “will i hang out with these kids or those ones?” “will i go to work, or school?”  “will i keep this appointment?” “will i go to court?” you see what i mean? even now, i do drugs every day, even if its not stickin myself, which i still do occasionally, so i suppose i’ve met one of my makers, cuz narcotics have made me who i am today. sad statement.

i like to think i’m not that bad a person. but i also compare. the people around me are homeless, living in shelters, hookers on the street, disabled people who will never be whole again, drug dealers, and clinic kids. so i’m not so bad. it’s funny, in a really sad way. okay, i’ve got a bed to sleep in, and my rent gets paid, and i’ve got clothes, and make up and jewelry (all stolen) and i have all my limbs. i’m not jumpin in and out of cars with the taste of a lubricated condom in my mouth. those are all good things. but i’m still a liar and a manipulator. i’m still selfish (what about me?????) i’m still self-serving, i’m still a little bit of a backstabber, still a thief, and still a full blooded junky, alcoholic mess that does and says completely inappropriate things at the wrong times. this is me. yes, i have met my maker.

i hope my other maker understands all that at the end of my run. i mean well, it’s just part of the game. i could choose to go through years of therapy and meetings and painful torturous memories and try to change it. but the longer i stick around, the less success i see. so i don’t know. i do my own thing with my god (goddess) and i feel like we are on good terms. i know i’m breaking rule #1 “an it harm none, do what thou wilt” and i’m harming myself. but She knows i’m trying. so i am not afraid to meet my maker at all.

i faced the drugs, and they molded me, now i have to find a way not to get thrown in the kiln. even the bible says we’re just lumps of clay. if we don’t come out right the first time, throw a little water on us and start the hell over. i heard that in a detox. ha.

so meet your maker(s) and see how you feel about it……