i got popped on that 2006 warrant july 12 2009 (i’m the gingerbread man, catch me if you can, right?) what follows are some of the letters i sent home….this is what real state prison life is like…….
july 22, 2009
dear jesse,
i can’t really say much positive stuff. life is a living nightmare here. i’m not getting shit like on “Oz” or anything. 
(there is no em city here.) but people have been giving me shit and making fun of me behind my back because i can’t see. (oh yeah, contacts are contraband, and since i came in with no glasses on my person, i won’t be able to get them at all, so i’m legally blind for my bid, that’s how it’s lookin) i can appeal to some mysterious “captain” that no one ever sees, but fuck it.
i’ve been having whacked out dreams on this klonopin taper they give the junkies (14 days pins tapered down from 6mg 3x a day til it’s nothing, but you get full detox meds too, robaxin, bentyl, benedryl, advil, on top of the pins) so you really don’t feel the worst part of the kick. it’s been fucking BAD, so i can’t imagine what it would be like to kick the clinic alone. i’m startin to think the clinic may have made a pact with the devil. hehehe.
i miss you. don’t go gettin bored and forget about me. no matter how much time the judge gives me, stick with me, okay? this letter won’t go out til canteen day….but the love goes out today.
<3 me
july 24 2009
dear jesse,
i just got out of morning group, and we were talking about support. and i just wanted to thank you for being here for me, writing and shit. the phone should be on soon. and we can talk.
it’s just so sad, there are soooo many girls here with their men in another jail, doing more time than them. or girls who know their guys cheat, or girls who’s men just don’t write, call or put money on their books or anything. i would die. it makes you wanna cry seeing the same girl go over to the phone six or seven times a day, and leave crying every time when there is no answer. alot of these girls dont’ even have family. i know my mom won’t be supportive, but at least i know she doesn’t hate me. some of these girls haven’t spoken to family in years. makes you grateful. even in here. love you.
<3me
july27, 2009
dear jesse,
JAIL SUX! i am so over it. if only that were a legal defense. “your honor, nadine is simply over it.” “oh, since you put it that way, let her go.” ha. only in my sick mind.
i’m waiting for another goddamn group to start. i am over the groups too, for the record. i’ve been sober before, they are preaching to the flippin choir. alls i’m sayin is that i’m not hearing anything thats not recycled. serenity now, yada yada yada.
i hope you are saving your spare change, kid, cuz i’m gonna need to celebrate when i get out. starting with a flea dip and a de-lousing. hahaha. but honestly, you won’t wanna touch me til i get a nice long bath, a wax, and my nails done. i feel like a dude in here, i swear to god. i was my underwear in the shower. no joke. if you send your laundry out, you have about a 50% chance of getting someone else’s state panties back. not a risk i’m willing to take. this is not vegas. hahaha. love ya
me
july 28
dear jesse,
there has been a rash of codes the past few days (you know, “something super fuct is going down, everyone lock in, fights, escapes, cutters) so we had another code last nite, and someone yells “who the fuck is cutting up now and fucking up my tv time?” as we all walked to our cells and locked in. usually these codes last 15 mins to an hour. last nite, we locked in at 6 and stayed there til count the next morning.
there was a mass suicide attempt. 3 girls, some kind of pact. there are rumors flying. some say love triangle, some say it was to try to get to worcester state hospital…nobody really knows much, except it was two massively bloody cut up scenes, one’s okay, one’s on life support. and one girl did the “hang myself by putting my bed sheet in the toilet and flushing a bunch til it does it’s job.” (a popular method, unfortunatly) and this chick was already on a 15 min watch. so she timed it perfect, because she was the only one to succeed, if that’s what you wanna call it. 20 years old, dead. i don’t know what her bid was, and i don’t know what here headspace was full of, or if she even meant to really do it, or if it was for meds or movement to another facility….but one things for sure, she’s gone now.
so far there have been 4 suicide attempts in the two weeks i’ve been here. and one good fight. you know they make inmates clean up the blood? if my roommate cuts up while the rest of us are asleep, and gets hauled off to eyeball (24/7 watch) the CO wakes me up, gives me little white plastic gloves and tells me to clean up the sea of blood that used to be my floor, at 4am. pretty fuct. i think it’s just gonna get worse before it gets better.
<3me
